Without the voice of parental wisdom, children are more likely to be insecure.

The Fish103.9 topic, CyberParenting Tuesday mornings 6:40 and 7:20am

Digital natives are “children of the Web”; they cannot imagine a world without the Internet. In this environment, children at very early ages can be conditioned to believe that adults are essentially obsolete – they simply need to be tolerated or manipulated. We are perfunctory characters who pay the bills, chauffer from activity to event, staff classrooms and campus administrations, patrol the streets to enforce the law, and yet we are so amazingly irritating, ignorant and irrelevant.

The beliefs to which our children are exposed tell them they are neither important, nor good enough unless they lower standards for personal security and surrender their inherent authority in the name of “freedom”. These beliefs include:

• Circumstances define me. I am nobody if I am not famous, even if it’s in my own cyber community. And if I am somebody, it’s because I put myself out there with outrageous, audacious reckless abandon. (Tiger Woods, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are examples of crash wrecked lives considered glamorous).
• Command and control of cyber lives means instant gratification is the new norm. I don’t expect to wait. Personal investment for long-term gain is wishful thinking.
• In order to be respected, I must dominate others.
• Rules don’t always apply to me.
• Prescription drugs are safe to use, doctors prescribe them. Everybody does it.
• Casual sex is required to be “intimate” or “popular”; use contraceptives and you can have safe sex.
• Drinking alcohol is not a problem for children just don’t drive while under the influence.
• Marijuana is safe to use, and the laws against it are stupid. It was the drug of choice of my parents’ generation, so if it was good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.

Photo: JOID(Flickr)

“I am a mom who became a journalist during the last leg of rearing my youngest son. For me this was a matter of life and death…I have since come to appreciate how important genuine authority is for our children who can push limits to unimaginable extremes.  Without recognition that genuine authority originates from our Creator… this inherent authority - our children are at risk of surrendering their souls to outrageous untruths of the network culture.” –Joanna Jullien, The Authority In Me (Published by SmashWords, 2011)

On the surface these lies seem like the same old peer pressure of previous generations. What is not understood by many parents today is the amount of intense, surreal pressure applied through network technology that shapes their reality.

There is no shortage of drama to illustrate this disconnect from truth. Kids committing suicide in response to cyberbullying, or the bullies and bystanders being so bold as to promote and/or allow heinous and ruthless cyber-powered harassment campaigns against an individual; or the fact that the modern drug addict or alcoholic looks like your child because networked “friend communities” convince kids that taking prescription pain killers and binge drinking is the norm for youth entertainment, and for many it is a rite of passage.

Every kind of peer pressure we experienced is amplified, as if on steroids, and with the voice of parental wisdom silenced, can become all consuming.

Cyber parenting with a higher purpose

By the same token, the optimist in me sees how the network culture is selecting for character and demanding more leadership from parents – a genuine authority in a caring relationship, yielding deeper and stronger bonds with our children. In this crazy, topsy-turvy network culture, where “everything is situational”, as one teenager put it, young people are craving authenticity from the adults in their lives – starting with sincerely caring, authoritative parents at home.

How to help your child recognize lies and discern truth: Bonding over house rules

The best way to help your child to recognize lies and discern truth is to bond with your children over the establishment of cyber-safe house rules which express your values for personal security, civil regard for others, and the greater good.

Start with Truth

• The use of cyber technology, much like driving a car, is a privilege, not a right. It must be handled responsibly.
• Every individual is in charge of her behavior and there are consequences for choices – so it is important to seek wise counsel – listen carefully to trusted adults.
• You are a child of God, wonderfully made to love and be loved.
• You were born, your life matters
• Sexual intimacy should be reserved for the bonds of marriage
• There is no safe harbor experimenting with drugs and alcohol.

Then explore the consequences when believing and acting on the lies of popular culture..

Set your privacy to "friends only" and focus on off-line relationships. Photo: Juliana Coutinho(Flickr)

The law, texting and social media

• Transmitting sexually explicit photos of minors is felony child pornography. This includes “sexting” which is a current youth trend wherein teens take sexually explicit photos of themselves and text them to a boyfriend or girlfriend, which also later wind up distributed widely through the one-to-many communications of texting and social media.
• Distributing prescription drugs (easily done in secret via texting communications), even without the exchange of money is a felony.
• Cyberbullying – education code infraction can result in suspension (check the education code for your state). In some cases, cyberbullying can violate laws against terrorism and hate crimes.

Cyber safety house rules fundamentals

• All house rules are age-appropriate and reflect your family values.
• No secrets, no surprises. Computer and Internet access is in a common room and supervised. Transparency is mandatory.
• Inspect mobile phones because they have the ability to transfer photos, access the Internet, and text.
• Know and have access to  the tools and applications used by your family.
• Partner with your child. Have them show you how to use the technology, while you offer the wisdom of your life experience. This is the time to instill values and the norms for what is legal and safe.
• Children are instructed not to give our personal details for profiles without parental consent.
• All contacts on phone, email and social websites are monitored by parent. It is an opportunity to catch your children doing things well. Offer praise when it is warranted. If you catch questionable communications, talk about it off-line – do not correct or inquire on their “wall”.

Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography

The new Time cover features a photo of a mother nursing her four year old son (he’s standing on a chair to reach her breast).  A cyber-powered controversy ensued and today the mother on the cover speaks out to defend herself.

Motherhood is as much an extremely personal experience, as it is a nurturing/socialization role shared by many. When we start to judge and measure  our motherhood decisions (stay at home, breast feeding, discipline/leadership, etc.), it breeds a contentiousness.

For me, I like to keep it simple. At the very least we can agree what is civil, legal and safe. Otherwise, it is no one else’s business how we mother.

I once FEDxed my milk because I was out of town on business. When I returned, by six month old had weaned himself to the bottle. My older son did the same thing when he was nine months old. I worked outside the home when my children were young, and I decided to breast feed. I pumped milk in the bathroom and stored it in the breakroom fridge. It was not considered a normal thing do to at the time (mid 1980′s), but I also wasn’t asking for approval/ opinion. It’s what I felt I needed to to for my children. I don’t think it makes me a better or worse mom than anyone else. It was a personal choice, and then my children made the final decisions when they chose the bottle. I was not offended.

This Time cover story about attachment parenting interests me from the standpoint of whether or not are raising children to be secure citizens.  Citizens who have civil regard for the rights of others in dealing with disputes, and who can be counted upon to be law-abiding, and more resilient to the risky traps of the lies of popular culture: that drinking alcohol is not a problem as long as you don’t drive, or prescription pills are safe, and casual sex is a requirement to be intimate or accepted. 

Intelligent life and free will. I thank God for this gift. Let’s use it wisely.

Photo: Bohman_(Flickr)

Cyberbullying is the use of electronic media (Facebook and texting) to harass, intimidate or gang up on an individual or group.

Cyberbullying is one of the prevailing concerns of parents and what most people do not realize is that bullying requires a victim mentality as every bully will tell you why they are offended by the target and why she deserves it.

What is required by everyone, including the bullies, the targets and bystanders, is an anti-bully mentality: hero logic.

• Discuss the concept of being a hero with your child. A hero is someone who will not be influenced by others who try to intimidate, coax, or cajole him into being oppressed by or attempt to dominate others.
• A hero understands and plays by the rules.
• A hero views bullies as the opponent. Know yourself and your opponent, and you will prevail. This means you have to know the boundaries of your values -what you will believe and do regardless of what others say and do.
• Understand the bullies’ point of view (do not necessarily agree with it).
• Then you can realize that there is a little bully and hero in all of us. Pretty much cuts the bully down to size.
• Don’t let others define you. Know your identity. (Family values, your friends, what you love, what your talents are, what you stand for – or believe, what impact do you want to have on your family and community)
• Ask yourself, am I the bully sometimes? If you have been a bully, seek out those you have hurt and apologize.
• No one succeeds alone. Seek out other heroes, who have a selfless concern for others. These are your allies- they can be fellow students, teachers, counselors, etc.
• If your child doesn’t already have one, find a mentor, or coach who shares your interests and can support your goals.
• Make an identity statement about your child’s values, beliefs and greatest strengths. Help your child realize what you admire about her.

Related reading:

 Why kids cyberbully and what to do about it

How teens rule their cyber world

• For help with peer abuse awareness and prevention go to: B.R.A.V.E. Society (Read Michael Berry’s story)
• For help with children and families dealing with crisis and emotional stress go to: Franny’s House

Digital natives and authority

Digital natives are young people, under 25 years, who cannot imagine the world without the Internet and cyber communications. It is a boundary-less, no limits, “it’s all about me” environment.

They are conditioned for authority differently. 

Photo: Lars Plouqmann (Flickr)

They do not recognize authority as a formal structure like previous generations when off-line adults were primary resources for knowledge and wisdom.  Titles like president, parent, teacher…do not carry the formal authority to digital natives like it did for generations past.

Today, kids believe they can Google anything and everything they need to know, and they are empowered by cyber connectivity to meet and exchange ideas and information without the stewardship of adults.

It can be liberating feeling, but it is not truly liberation, for without the wisdom and life experience of parents and other adults in their lives our children can fall into dangerous bondage.

The earlier we can help our children embrace authentic boundaries that promote their personal security and respect for others, the more secure they will be and the less likely they will be vulnerable to the risks of cyberbullying, on-line predators, drug and alcohol abuse, and anxiety.

So what is a parent to do?

Relational authority/ Boundaries and self-governance

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. (John 10:11)

The blessing in this cultural shift of from formal authority to relational authority means that our children are seeking authentic relationships wherein we can impart wisdom and knowledge. We can form deeper, more rich relationships with our children as leaders, much like Jesus’ model.

• Meet people where they are, without judgment
• Speak truth with mercy
• Offer to lead to higher ground
• Honor free will and never give up on them

In the first decade we are setting firm boundaries for how and when to use cyber technology. During the boundary setting period, our ultimate goal is to provide our children with an internal guidance system:

Boundaries are in the form of house cyber rules that express your values and promote personal security for individuals and the family. Some examples include:

• The use of the Internet applications and mobile phones is a privilege, not a right.
• Establishes age-appropriate use of tools and applications. Be very clear at what age you will allow a child to use, or own, a mobile phone.
• Transparency is mandatory. Children should expect that you will be monitoring their communications and searches.
• Designate a time at night to turn off cyber tools: disconnect in order to re-connect face to face
• Keep a list of all your child’s applications and tools. Make it a requirement that you approve prior to downloading any application.
• Teach your child to ask him or herself, will Mom or Dad be proud if I send this post or text? Does it reflect our family values for self respect and respect for others?

The personal investment in establishing house cyber rules is an opportunity to relate to your child about the safe and secure ways they can use the technology. It is a bonding opportunity setting the stage for the second decade when our children are given more freedom to make decisions and establish an on-line presence without direct supervision.

We want our children be secure cyber citizens. Authoritative parents are strategic in this regard.

Helping children to recognize authentic boundaries for their personal security in a cyber-powered world with no limits is critical. Without authentic boundaries, our children are more vulnerable to the lies of popular culture and the manipulations of the ‘net.”

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent's Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

For more about parental and genuine authority in the network culture, check out Joanna’s ebook: The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture – A Parent’s Voice in the Cyber Wilderness available through SmashWords in all formats including iPad, Kindle, Nook and PDF. $7.99

Jodie Stevens, host of The Fish 103.9 FM morning show (Photo: www.thefish.com)

Starting this Tuesday, May 1, Joanna will be featured as the CyberParenting expert on The Fish 103.9fm Tuesday mornings at 6:40 and 7:20am (Pacific Time) with Jodie Stevens.

This week’s topic is “Parental Authority in a Google world” – How kids are conditioned differently for authority and the blessings of the new demands on parents today.

You can listen to The Fish 103.9fm on the Internet: http://www.1039thefish.com/

Tune in and let  us know what you think.

Facebook

Twitter Joanna Jullien@CyberParenting

Joanna Jullien (Photo: Christy Benz)

Excited to be working with Jodie, Joanna shares some of the insights and lessons learned from Banana Moments research, and fieldwork – as well as her personal experience and faith as a mother of two grown sons.

To read more about how mustard seeds of faith and genuine authority can help us and our children be more secure in an anxiety-laden, cyber-powered world hostile to Wisdom – check out Joanna’s ebook, The Authority In Me, available from SmashWords in all ebook formats including PDF for standard computers, Kindle and Nook.

Jeff Mason’s Story

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent's Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

(This excerpt from The Authority In Me, a book by Joanna about  the power of family life in the network culture, addresses the challenge of parenting when our children have fallen into the traps of risky choices and buy the lies of the network culture – and how important the voice of parental wisdom is for our children at home and in our community. Based upon personal experience and conversations with parents, children and experts in law enforcement, faith, education and health care,  this book helps families address cyberbullying, sexting, pedophiles, drug and alcohol addicition and anxiety in order to  promote personal security and prosperity in a boundaryless Internet-powered world.)

“If God doesn’t exist, life is pointless” – Jeff Mason, 17 years old, Ft. Meyer’s FL, recovering drug addict

When Laura Mason of Fort Meyers, Florida (name was changed to maintain minor’s privacy) received calls from her 16-year-old son, Jeff, begging her to come and get him – it was torment. She could feel the anguish and suffering in her child’s desperate voice ripping her heart wide open. Laura and her husband made arrangements for their teenager to receive residential treatment for his drug addiction to oxycontin which had consumed him. He had been arrested for selling drugs (pharmaceuticals). The first week Jeff called his mother repeatedly begging to come home. “It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do,” said Laura.

Jeff is in recovery of his addiction to Roxicodone (ocycontin). He admits that since about the seventh grade he had felt that his life has had no purpose. “I was raised very well,” said Jeff, “I grew up in a Christian family where we were taught to respect our elders. I never had any trauma causing me to use. There was no divorce. I wasn’t abused in any way”.

His mother, Laura, contacted me through the Banana Moments website to see about connecting with resources for parenting teens in recovery. Laura was sincerely grateful that her son had emerged from the addict lifestyle, a young man determined to reclaim his life. “It’s a very rough road,” said Laura, “and I am so hopeful for my son. I want to make sure we are doing everything we can to support his recovery.”

Laura will tell you that this was one of the most gut wrenching experiences in her life and that her son’s arrest for dealing drugs early in his junior year in high school was a blessing. The juvenile justice system saved his life.

In conversations with Laura about her desire to reach out and connect with other parents who are going through the dark and scary moments of a child surrendering to drug addiction, my heart was full of hope for not only her son Jeff, but also for their courage to share their story so that other families could have hope has they struggle to keep the connection of life alive for loved ones lost in the pit of despair, hopelessness and anxiety – driven to be high in order to feel okay.

When a loved one becomes addicted drugs or alcohol, it is one of the greatest heartaches, and yet as we can see in Jeff’s story it can also be a miracle ready to happen.

Today, Jeff is on track to complete his high school classes (on-line) and at a local college campus. He plans to enroll in a local junior college and study behavioral economics. Arriving at this point has been a very long, rough journey for Jeff and his family – that started as Jeff’s response to feelings of purposelessness, and self-medicating for depression.

“The problems with depression have always been there,” said Jeff, “the drug use really brought it out.” Jeff spent over two years chasing a high that could never be achieved. “Now when I come across the rough patches, I don’t try to fight it. I accept it and know that it will end. I surround myself with people to help me weather through it.” And he is on a suboxone treatment to help his brain feel normal without the oxycontin.

He started smoking pot regularly in the summer of 8^th grade and in his high school sophomore year, he then moved on to prescription pills he could find in his parents medicine cabinet.

“Eventually my logic was that God didn’t really exist,” said Jeff. “And so if God’s not real, then there is no purpose. What’s the point?”

In the fall of his junior year, he was arrested for drug trafficking. The only reason why he was not arrested for the Schedule II drug Roxicodone was that he and the kids in the car with him swallowed the evidence.

Since the seventh grade Jeff felt like there was no purpose to his life. Grades were easy to achieve, he was bored. There were no challenges in his life.

He started smoking pot in the 8^th grade with a lifelong friend. He spent a lot of time at his house. The summer before high school, this friend had some weed and they started smoking it a lot. And then his neighbors witnessed them smoking while his parents were out of town, and the grandparents were at home. The neighbors told his parents.

“I stopped for about a month, and then started up again,” said Jeff. Why? According to Jeff it was nothing more than the exposure, all his friends were doing it and it was enjoyable.

In his sophomore year, Jeff started using the drugs in his mother’s medicine cabinet (sleeping pills and pain killers). He would take them and use them at his friends’ house. Before long he had a girlfriend who was into alcohol, who wanted him to smoke pot with her.

“Around this time, I was experimenting with cocaine, but it seemed expensive for a high that did not last that long,” said Jeff. So he continued drinking alcohol to get drunk, and smoking three to four times a week – depending upon how much weed he had available.

“I never knew what I was escaping from for the longest while,” said Jeff, “I was in so deep with the addiction; I was trying to numb myself.” In March of his sophomore year, he had his wisdom teeth out, and he was prescribed a pain killer. “I would take more that I was supposed to get high. Then in May, I tried Roxicodone,” which Jeff described as an instant high, high impact, it targets the most sensitive receptors in the brain. Roxicodone is also known as “blues”.

However, it was expensive – $20 to $25 for each pill – so Jeff took them every now and again. He usually took them on the weekends, when he had money and access to supply.

And then one weekend completely changed his life. On the way to a party, he and some friends were doing “Hey Mister” (also known as “shoulder tap” where kids ask a stranger entering a liquor store to purchase alcohol for them with the money they provide). He met “this guy” who took them to another gas station asking them whether they were interested in doing anything else.

“He sold me the blues for $10-15 each,” said Jeff in a voice that is very matter of fact. Running down the sequence of events, he explained that he met a dealer who was really a wholesale supplier, and was giving him the same deal he would give his “dealers”.

Since Jeff was holding down a steady, part time job he had regular paychecks and started using “blues” one to two times a day, and then two to three times a day. Then in early July Jeff went on vacation with his family and was without supply – “cold turkey”, said Jeff.

“My girlfriend knew I was sick and she knew I had an issue with ‘Roxi’s’, – I was going through withdrawals,” said Jeff.

When he returned from vacation, he purchased four or five “blues”. “We had family come over for a cookout,” said Jeff, “and I broke up with my girlfriend. And then I didn’t have anyone else that I wanted to stay sober for…”

From July through October Jeff was using anything, but also had to have the “blues” – so he started selling the “blues” to sustain his habit. He held down his part time job, at a little bakery, and soon his regular paycheck was not enough to keep him in his “blues” habit. By mid-August he started to sell – weed, ecstasy, “shrooms” (mushrooms with hallucinogenic impact which he cultivated on his own, they grew in cow poop – and kids were paying $20 for a plastic bag.)

Jeff was selling to all kinds of kids – athletes, good students, stoners, beach kids -  pretty much focusing on the student body of his school. “I sold to everyone,” said Jeff but he only had three students who purchased “blues” every day, which were his most profitable customers and helped fund his habit. “If I bought a 20-pack of ‘blues’, I would do 5 and sell 15. If I was going to do more ‘blues’ I would take the profit from weed to do more blues.”

It became a full time job, all consuming for Jeff – who always in his car, driving to sell enough drugs to keep that unsustainable “blues” high.

On September 17 of his junior year in high school, Jeff was arrested for drug dealing. “I had just picked up ½ of a bag of weed to sell, then picked up a 10-pack of ‘blues’,” said Jeff who knew one of his customers was getting a paycheck and he knew he would buy.

“My friend gave me 50 ‘dime-bags’,” said Jeff, which he placed in his glove compartment and later helped convict him.

“So a kid calls me – he wanted to buy ‘X’(Ecstasy)  – so I told him to meet me at Wal-Mart parking lot.” As Jeff was preparing the drug purchase, he was driving slowly through the parking lot, and a cop in an SUV notice him swerving the car and doing something with the lighter (sealing the bag).

The cop pulled Evan over.

“The ‘blues’ was a huge charge,” said Jeff – and the kids in the car with him knew it. It was a Schedule II drug, which would mean serious jail time so the girl in the passenger seat swallowed seven or eight pills, and made the kids in the back take the rest of the pills.

The officer pulled Jeff out of the car, and searched the vehicle. They found only weed and the scale in the trunk of the car and the baggies so he was arrested for possession with intent to sell. “And because I wouldn’t tell that what the story was with the lighter, they also charged me with destruction of evidence,” said Jeff.

“I don’t remember much after being placed in the cop car,” said Jeff who was already on three “blues” pills. “My dad bailed me out, and I was surprised because my parents knew I was an addict. I felt relief that he came for me. I thought I would be locked upon until the court date.”

After Jeff was bailed out, he continued using “blues” and he was going through drug assessment and treatment ordered by the juvenile system. The assessment by SWFAS called for diversion treatment (in-patient) – and it was required to get his record expunged.  The following Thursday night after being bailed out, Jeff found out he was going to an inpatient treatment center, and he talked his Dad into letting him go out over the weekend and spend the night at a friend’s house. Jeff had scored 18 blues through a new contact selling them at $10 each. By this time, Jeff needed three “blues” to feel normal.

On that weekend, Saturday, he learned he would be going into rehab the following Tuesday.

Inpatient Treatment

The rehab center did focus on drug addiction, but also dealt with kids with behavioral issues for mental problems (such as autism).

“I didn’t like anything about it,’ said Jeff.” It was a horrible experience, even though I needed it. I was friends with the kids who got into trouble, and I tried to learn from it. The first week or so I had a head cold, and was going through withdrawal.”

Jeff wanted to stay in bed, but he was expected to participate in the program which included classes: science, math, English, history and one elective. He said the teachers he had were good, and he liked them. “They took a sincere interest in me. I made friends with staff, but the place seemed overkill – too much rules, confinement – and I know I needed it. My hope was to get out and go from there – this place wasn’t reality.”

When Jeff returned home, he used for three days and then again for two days. This relapse triggered Jeff and his parents to remove him from campus, although Jeff does not blame using again on the school campus environment. Ultimately, it was the need to establish a higher goal motivated Jeff to seek an alternative plan to complete high school, plan for college and pursue his recovery. “I couldn’t stand being on the high school campus. The things that mattered to students at high school, “what my mom will or will not let me do,” etc. It was all so stupid. I couldn’t believe that was all they cared about.”

Jeff finally stopped using “blues” and drugs though a suboxone program for opiate dependent people.

When asked why he stopped using drugs, Jeff declared, “It became too much – too much to do, wrecking everything – all my relationships, my life…everything. It got old and heavy to deal with it. I didn’t want to do it anymore.”

Jeff says he knows that he was trying to escape, from what he could not articulate. And his belief in God and religion is still something that has not been resolved for him. Since the 7^th grade he did not feel he had a sense of purpose. And in conversations with him over the spring of 2010, his voice is clearly that of a young man who has made a decision to be a person of character and has started acting on the principles and values his parents instilled.

For Jeff, spirituality is a matter of character. “I believe I need to build a foundation in myself, of strong character. There is right and wrong, and I just simply need to do the right thing. And the basics include what is right for others, not just self.” He observes that kids do not operate this way, thinking of others. “Bullying seems so self-centered, and so is addiction,” said Jeff who elaborated the quest to feel good or numb driving all decisions and creating pain for others.

Jeff says he is definitely keeping an open mind about religion. “I don’t like organized religion.” He is mistrustful of the human element behind organized religion.

He has hope for the future, looking forward to going to college and getting a degree, and while he is not exactly sure what he will wind up doing after college, Jeff is looking forward to the process.

Jeff’s mom Laura offers the following guidance for parents:

“Privacy is something that is earned. Our big mistake was in believing his lies; these were the lies of the addict. He had logical reasons for everything. Get into your child’s business. Monitor your child’s mobile phone and Internet use.

It is harder to be a good parent than a permissive parent. Yet if you try to be your child’s friend or “pal”, they will not respect you and you cannot protect them with your authority. If my husband and I were Jeff’s “friends”, we would not have been able to set limits, and have him taken away to rehab where he was able to begin healing.”

Jeff’s story parallel’s Ryan’s in so many ways – and the most profound element is free will and a series of choices and decisions to surrender authority for their lives to the lies of the network culture:

“I don’t matter, I can become anonymous, and the law does not apply to me.”

By the same token, these young men made the decision to reclaim their authority for life, and are relying upon their experience to reinforce how self-respect comes when we first respect others, and apply our free will to consider the greater good impacted by our own actions.

There is a level of emotional intelligence that Jeff and Ryan developed in the process of making decisions for self and greater good that I believe will help sustain them in a life of recovery. They are making decisions to surround themselves with the people and circumstances that will support their sobriety.

This lesson of personal accountability is so vital…always has been, but never has so much been at risk at earlier ages. In the network culture – where we are presented with access to people, information and goods without limits – the benefits and the risks of our choices are intensified.

This is why discerning truth from things that seem real but are not really true is so critical to instill in the home.

***

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture – A Parent’s Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

 Publisher: SmashWords Download samples and order ($7.99)

• Available in all ebook formats including PDF

Ryan Crandell’s Story 

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent's Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

(This excerpt from The Authority In Me, a book by Joanna about  the power of family life in the network culture, addresses the challenge of parenting when our children have fallen into the traps of risky choices and buy the lies of the network culture – and how important the voice of parental wisdom is for our children at home and in our community. Based upon personal experience and conversations with parents, children and experts in law enforcement, faith, education and health care,  this book helps families address cyberbullying, sexting, pedophiles, drug and alcohol addicition and anxiety in order to  promote personal security and prosperity in a boundaryless Internet-powered world.)

“I would rather be in prison with a clear mindset than in society as a troubled kid with a substance abuse problem…. My family’s continuous love and encouragement makes me want to be a better person.” – Ryan Crandell

Twenty-six-year old Ryan Crandell, from Rocklin, California, is serving a 13-year sentence in Folsom prison for committing armed robbery to support his drug habit. He was arrested just three weeks after his 18^th birthday.

I met his mother Christy at a drug and alcohol abuse forum at the Granite Bay High School campus in the spring of 2007. Since his incarceration, she and Ryan wrote a book, Lost and Found: A Mother and Son Find Victory Over Teen Drug Addiction, and Christy is a respected speaker and facilitator for Parent Project, and co-founder of Full Circle Treatment Center, in Roseville, California, which offers substance abuse intervention for adolescents.

“I lived the American dream,” said Christy to the audience of students and parents seated in the metal chairs set up in neat rows on either side of the projector in the center. “We have a nice home in one of the best neighborhoods. I was a ‘stay-at-home mom’, we had the best snacks, the kids all came over to our house to play, my husband coached our boys’ sports teams. We were engaged. We were the traditional American family.”

Christy proceeded to explain how she missed all the signs that her older son Ryan was in trouble; hence her book Lost and Found offers excellent prevention guidance for parents in “I wish I had known” segments. (See Appendix A, I Wish I Had Known – from Christy Crandell).

“The worst thing a parent can do to their child is be fearful, ignorant and in denial of the truth,” said Christy who shared her tragic story in the hope that more parents would learn from her experience.

I inquired with Christy about whether Ryan would be interested in lending his voice to this book and his response was amazing. Within a couple of weeks of receiving my letter of introduction and the premise of this book, he sent me 33 pages – pouring out his heart and soul so that others might benefit from his journey into and out of darkness.

Reading his story and his “lessons learned” made my heart weep for all the suffering on his part and the part of his family, and left me with a heart full of hope. I heard the voice of the fine young man that his parents raised. It is truly a story of repentance, forgiveness and redemption.

At the time of this writing, Ryan has nearly completed a Bachelors degree in sociology and is working on a Masters degree and it is his plan to work with adolescents in prevention, intervention and recovery of substance abuse when time served is complete.

By the time Ryan was arrested, his life of 18 years and three weeks was completely surrendered to drugs and alcohol; he had three times attempted rehabilitation initially at his parents’ urging, and then, with his own sincerity, achieved victory accompanied by one relapse.

That relapse triggered a hopeless response on his part by diving back into the pursuit of a never-ending drug-induced stupor in which he committed armed robbery to support his state of intoxication.

“Two nights changed my whole life and on March 28^th, 2003, I was arrested for armed robbery”, said Ryan, “It was completely spontaneous. I wish I had thought about the consequences of what were to be my actions before I proceeded with the activities that evening. I felt like I was in a video game and was just trying to stay in between the dotted lines on the freeway, let alone go rob someone. When you combine the dextromethorphan in Coricidin cough and cold pills with the THC in marijuana, it produces an effect of intoxication that is unparalleled to that of any other drug…there is a hard peak of 5-6 hours and the comedown lasts multiple hours. Hallucinations are a predominant feature…I do not like to use the fact that I was intoxicated as an excuse for committing those crimes. I take full responsibility for my past actions and sincerely feel that I deserve every day that I have to serve in prison. I look forward to finishing this sentence I owe the state and society, reuniting with my family, and starting my life again.”

Ryan will tell you that his parents were great role models, who used alcohol infrequently, occasionally having a glass of wine or beer with friends. And like most homes, the alcohol was easy to access from the liquor cabinet. “..One day I decided to try some with a friend when I was about 13 years old.”

Ryan started with marijuana in middle school, with a new group of kids. By the end of middle school he was regularly using alcohol and marijuana on the weekends, by that time “mostly with friends I knew”.

 “My freshman year of high school provided me with more opportunities to expand my drug use. I was already a year older than my class and was now hanging out with older people. At parties, I met more people and came into contact with additional, more extreme drugs, such as cocaine, mushrooms, PCP, Ecstasy, and a variety of prescription drugs,” said Ryan. Soon the drug use extended beyond weekends into the days of the week, and Ryan was able to function in school and sports, although his grades were not great.

By his sophomore year, Ryan’s drug use started to impact school and family life. He skipped school and his attitude suffered greatly – as he got high before and during school often. “The weekends were characterized by extreme intoxication and figuring out how to effectively lie to my parents. …I was more defiant, disrespectful, and rebellious. My parents confronted me about drugs yet again and found evidence of my use. I admitted that I had experimented with drugs. My parents would not condone my use of alcohol and drugs. My mother began tracking me where I went and investigated where I said I would be and what I was doing.”

Ryan appeased his mother, who was tailing him and making his friends nervous, by agreeing to see a therapist in Roseville. In the parking lot, prior to the appointment, Ryan smoked marijuana and a cigarette. “I elaborated a little and pretty much told the psychologist what I thought he wanted to hear and what I believed would earn me a little leeway with my parents…My parents determined that the therapist approach was unsuccessful, as nothing had changed.”

Then Ryan’s parents threatened to take away the car – which was the leverage that got Ryan into an outpatient treatment center. It was his first stay at the outpatient treatment center that raised his awareness of the fact that he actually had a drug problem, but he refused to accept it.

Denial is a powerful thing.

Ryan continued to use marijuana and other drugs during the unsupervised breaks at the outpatient sessions, and was eventually kicked out of the program. Then Ryan’s parents started drug testing him.

Shortly thereafter Ryan’s parents got him accepted into an inpatient program, where he was kicked out seven days later for getting intoxicated. A fellow patient stole some Nyquil PM and convinced nurses to give him antihistamines for allergies, which they took together to get intoxicated.  When they attempted to secure more Nyquil, Ryan was discovered and kicked out of that program.

“It was during the car ride home with my parents that I came to the realization of what I had done. The car was silent and seeing my parent’s obvious disappointment in the rearview mirror made me regret what I did to get kicked out of the program. I began to think about everything I had done in the previous two years: what I had put my parents and family through, the example I had set for my brother, stealing to get high, etc.  I was disgusted with myself and in that moment realized that – hey, I might just have a drug problem. I vowed to stay clean and sober and asked my parents if they would be willing to help me.”

Soon after he was accepted into the same outpatient center that had kicked him out, “and I began to avidly seek recovery through their curriculum, principles, and direction.” Ryan attended AA and NA meetings in the weeks to come and met people who took recovery seriously.

“I was approaching my junior year in high school, and did not want to go back to high school…as I was tired of the drama and did not want to use drugs with old friends; I felt I was more mature than the other high school students (which I clearly was not). For 67 days I was sober.”

And then a couple of days before New Years 2003, he took a trip to Carson city to visit someone he had met in the inpatient treatment center. Once there Ryan and a friend decided to go to a party and “stay away from the other drugs and just have a couple of beers from the kegs” believing they would be alright.

He got wasted and was despondent about breaking his period of sobriety.

“I eventually admitted my relapse to my family, which was difficult. I was disappointed in myself for having let my family and the people who believed in me down; I was ashamed of my mistakes. Instead of doing the right thing and starting my recovery over, I developed a destructive “I don’t give a f—k attitude” and jumped back full swing into my addiction where I had left off. My parents could tell something had changed and they tried to offer me help.”

Ryan would not accept it.

He abandoned independent study to complete high school, and unbeknownst to his parents started using drugs full time; and he still managed to pass his G.E.D., which pleased his parents.

Toward the end of March 2003, Ryan had been intoxicated 24/7 for three months. “I knew I was messed up.”

Eventually Ryan’s parents kicked him out of their home. And he decided to move to Carson City where he had a place to stay and a job waiting for him.

“I packed my belongings and informed my parents of my plan. We said a tearful good-bye and I left. I did not know it at the time, but my parents had a bunch of substance abuse rehab information and program locations for me had I told them I wanted to stay and get clean again.”

Rather than head straight to Carson City where his job awaited, Ryan made another fateful decision to say good-bye to some friends. “This detour is what ultimately led to my thirteen year state prison sentence,” Ryan said.

Ryan’s Advice to Parents:

• If your child is struggling with drug addiction, it is your child who has to want to get sober and change. Until that realization happens, things may be unpleasant at home.
• Community and group support therapy have unquestionably been the most successful programs; social support is the key to long-term sobriety.
• If your kid is carrying “Clear Eyes” eye drops or Visine on them there is a good probability they are smoking marijuana (unless the teen has a legitimate eye irritation or condition that the parents are aware of). Do not buy the excuse that they are at “the pool” and needed it because their eyes were dry.
• Kids also take off their shirts when they smoke to avoid having the smell of cannabis on their clothes.
• If you see a bottle of Niacin in your teen’s room, they are probably trying to beat a drug test for marijuana. Taking Niacin in high doses makes you feel like you have a severe sunburn, but it is effective for expelling marijuana from your system. If you have a few days before a drug test and use Niacin, you could potentially test negative.
• If you smell bleach or a household cleaning agent, this is indicative your teen is trying to beat the drug test you are administering.
• Also watch for him/her trying to switch urine with someone else’s. The cup of urine should obviously be warm. They sell potions at Millennium, Still Smoking, and other smoke shops with paraphernalia that will allegedly beat a drug test in 24 hours. I never got around to trying this approach, but it supposedly worked for a couple of people I knew. Test Pure is the name of one of those concoctions.
• If you are going to install a security system in your home to ensure your teens stays in at night, make sure you include every entrance, exist, and crawl space that leads out of the house.  My parents installed a security system when I was a teenager so that I would not sneak out at night; however, for weeks I was able to escape to a girlfriend’s house because the downstairs bathroom window (2’ by 4’) above the toilet did not have a monitor on it.
• If you are going to confirm the location of where your kids claim they are, try to find out who else is with them. If they are able to drive, both your kid’s car and those of their friends should be there. They may try to switch vehicles and go somewhere you would disapprove of.
• With camera phones, your kid should be able to take a picture of where they are almost immediately, right? Tell them to take a picture of the front of the house they claim to be at or the mall if they are there.
• Don’t be predictable and allow your teen to get used to a pattern of drug testing or searching his/her room.
• If your kid has a car and is using drugs, there is a good chance they are keeping tobacco, weed, pills, pipes, etc.  somewhere in their vehicle. Look everywhere. Check under the seats and in between the back seat and trunk if it lifts up and down; look in the dash, consoles, and open the lids and bottoms of cans, such as Glad air freshener.
• The bottoms of Chapstick pull out to hide small things under, such as weed, cocaine, and pills.
• Do not give kids money if they have a drug problem. If you do, make them bring you a receipt of their food purchase or movie ticket, etc.
• If you find Nitrous cartridges, that indicates they are hyperventilating on nitrous oxide.
• Be aware of any cough and cold medicine that is missing, as your teen can get high off of it.
• Lock up your prescription medication, as well as any over the counter drugs that contain the ingredient dextromethorphan and other analogous substances. Remember that legal drugs such as alcohol and tobacco usually precede illicit drug use. The younger a kid starts using drugs, the greater the probability they will experiment with other, more extreme substances.
• Marijuana use is serious and should not be condoned. Participation in marijuana use often introduces teens to a drug subculture where other hazardous illicit drugs are present, which provides opportunities for experimentation of other narcotics.
• Friends are unequivocally important in adolescence and impressions and opinions of their peers do matter. It is imperative to spend time with kids to encourage them to abstain from drugs and have goals for their future, as opposed to habitual alcohol and marijuana users. Guilty by association is absolutely real and I know multiple men in prison that are serving a life term because they were present when their friends made unwise decisions.
• No one is perfect; teens will inevitably make mistakes…. Hopefully teens will choose to avoid or minimize the time they spend with kids who do not respect authority, value school, and care about the decisions they make. From personal experience, I know that excessive contact with drugs, as well as people who break the law and use drugs can change your attitude and behavior for the worse.  Kids are impressionable and need guidance and positive affirmation from family, friends, and good, positive adult influences to encourage them to become constructive members of society as they mature.
• When your teenagers are defiant, things at home can become difficult. Some things are out of your control and you need to accept that. I am not proud to admit, but there were a couple of times where, because of my disrespectful attitude and behavior toward my parents, an argument would escalate and almost came to a physical confrontation with my father. I am glad we were able to abate the argument before it came to that. I just left a couple of times when it got to that point. When arguments get out of control like that, it may be a good idea to just stop talking and go to separate rooms (or someone leave for a while) in order to cool down. You can revisit the issue after both parties have calmed down a bit.

Ryan’s Message to Adolescents:

“If I had my teen years to live differently, I would have definitely chosen a different route that did not involve drugs and the people I spent the majority of my time with while I was using.  Some people have an addictive personality and are more susceptible to overindulgence; certain individuals have an inability to use drugs and alcohol in moderation. Unfortunately, it took coming to prison for thirteen years for me to grow up, understand what is important to me, and get some perspective on life.

Also, when I relapsed as a teenager, I wish I would have started fresh, sought after sobriety again, and chose to learn from my mistake in a productive manner. I wish I would have conformed to conventional society, went to college, contributed to positive community efforts, helped others, and been the person I was raised to be.

Instead I chose to use drugs, commit crimes, and hurt my family and community. Seven years later, it is still difficult for me to fathom that I was the one who actually committed those crimes. I will probably continue to struggle with guilt for having done what I did for the duration of my life.

I thank God that no one was injured.

I feel blessed to have the forgiveness of my family, friends, and the majority of the community, which I was raised.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was in the shoes of an immature kid with a drug problem.  I will briefly describe some experiences while I was immersed in the life of a drug addict:

I vomited from having drank too much. I almost died twice from overdosing on Corisidin (one time I took 32. pills in an hour).  I had too many mushrooms one night and thought trees were talking to each other, and I decided to push someone in the pool at a keg party because I thought we were playing a game of tag. I was subsequently beat down for that. I woke up that morning under a Ford F150 truck with no shirt on. I had caked blood all over my face, my cell phone was gone, my watch busted, and there was no money in my wallet. I had to walk up a hill in the cold without a shirt on to my friend’s house to get a ride home. A scar remains on my left ear from that evening (over eight years ago).

My friend killed himself because he was depressed, having been on drugs for half a decade.

I crashed my car, received poor grades, dropped out of high school, and had no aspirations for my future. I caused my parents marital problems and made my mom cry. I was a scumbag, as well as an awful role model for my younger brother. I lost good friends due to my addiction. I stole from good people, lied to individuals I cared about, and destroyed myself both physically and psychologically.

Now, I have been clean for years and regardless of being in prison, feel good about what I am doing with my life. I would rather be in prison with a clear mindset than in society as a troubled kid with a substance abuse problem. I have maintained a 3.8 grade point average and have earned an AA degree with honors, a scholarship, and multiple accolades, such as recognition on Honors and Deans lists.  I am currently a few classes away from completing my Bachelor of Arts degree in sociology.

I am really looking forward to giving back and helping others when I am released. I hope to deter teens and young adults with substance abuse and behavioral problems from heading down the wrong path, such as the one I chose in adolescence.”

Continue on to  Jeff’s Story

***

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture – A Parent’s Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

 Publisher: SmashWords Download samples and order ($7.99)

• Available in all ebook formats including PDF

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent's Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

(This excerpt from The Authority In Me, a book by Joanna about  the power of family life in the network culture, addresses the challenge of parenting when our children have fallen into the traps of risky choices and buy the lies of the network culture – and how important the voice of parental wisdom is for our children at home and in our community. Based upon personal experience and conversations with parents, children and experts in law enforcement, faith, education and health care,  this book helps families address cyberbullying, sexting, pedophiles, drug and alcohol addicition and anxiety in order to  promote personal security and prosperity in a boundaryless Internet-powered world.)

“…No matter how good a parent you are, your child is still capable on any given day of doing something despicable, disgusting, or depraved.” – John Rosemond, Parenting By The Book: Biblical Wisdom For Raising Your Child, p.36

Redemption: When Children Do the Unthinkable 

When our children do the unthinkable, like suicide, use and or abuse of drugs or alcohol, dealing drugs, burglarizing homes, or armed robbery – it is one of the most devastating things that a parent can experience. The idea of “who” their child is, a healthy, productive citizen with a good future, has been murdered by a series of poor choices that can only be owned by the child.

And from the parents’ perspective, this is where we can feel the most anxious and want to exercise more control – because our children have free will, and we fear they will not exercise it correctly. This free will is an expression of inherent authority within – which when channeled by strong character, will likely be exercised in productive and valuable ways. However, there are no guarantees. Because of free will there never have been and never will be guarantees.

The bottom line is that parents can do their best to be present in their children’s lives in appropriate ways, providing guidance, direction and instilling and shaping character through discipline and encouragement to “fly right”. And no matter how good or poor job we do, our children ultimately have free will, as we all do, and we are imperfect creatures subject to poor choices led by emotion and lies of the network.

This is why we must not become judgmental, why forgiveness is important, and why we must hold our children accountable for their decisions with consequences, good and bad, to reinforce the right decisions throughout their childhood and as they near the age of majority. This is how we shape character such that our children will be able to recover from their poor choices, which we all make to one degree or another.

This is why redemption is important.

Redemption involves forgiveness, character and community. It requires the individual who offended to own their poor decisions and offenses, repent and stand corrected. And it requires a community that will deliver appropriate consequences and allow the individual to repent and return into society corrected with a future.

However, in the parenting culture we live in, there is so much anxiety about our own children, fueled by fear of being judged as a bad parent, we are loathe to make considerations for the redemption of other peoples’ children who have been caught and or arrested doing things illegal and/or harmful. We judge and yet we fear being judged. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps the children’s secrets and leaves them vulnerable to the manipulations of their peers and the lies of popular culture.

Consequently the norms for what is legal and safe are only voiced to vilify the outted “guilty ones” and do not reinforce daily the good decisions our children do make.

In the fall of 2008, our own community local high school had a sensational story about the soccer team which had a shot at winning the national title. Six or seven of the players were busted having marijuana in their hotel rooms while traveling for tournaments. This was a scandal that hit national news, and the children and parents involved were vilified. The team was decimated and the season came to a tragic end.

At the time this scandal broke, I was working with a booster committee for youth substance abuse prevention on campus, called Citizens Advocating Safe and Healthy Youth (CASHY). Some parents whose children were not involved in the scandal were making incredibly damming statements about the young men involved and their parents. It was as if in their minds these children should be exiled because they were bad seeds. The thought that their own children never have been nor ever could become involved in smoking marijuana or drinking alcohol during a school event was impossible to them. For if they even had an inkling, a hint of a notion that but for the grace of God, they and their children could be on the receiving end of this treatment they were delivering, they would not have cast stones.

This outrage over what was adolescent rebellious activity, and possibly addiction (was my concern), was reinforced to parents everywhere. It is not safe to reveal what you know about what is going on in children’s lives in order to help them make course corrections because our community has no way of dealing with it in a healthy manner that would allow the children to be disciplined appropriately, stand corrected, and move on.

The fear of being judged and that there is no justice in standing corrected has reinforced a code of silence.

Not long after the soccer team marijuana incident, we had an incident of a sophomore  hooked on prescription medication in the school community, and he was sent out of California in order to detox and recover. There was anger about the open way in which the mother shared information about what was going on with kids using prescription drugs. He was not alone. Many parents could not believe that children were involved in prescription drug abuse.

It was clear to me that the code of silence is being reinforced even further – a downward spiral, as there was no safe way to address the risks children are taking with drugs and alcohol without becoming demonized or a scapegoat. This is not good for the children.

The lesson the children learn is: the crime is to get caught.

There is no opportunity to stand corrected. There is no redemption. There is only defending poor choices to deflect consequences. The corruptive thinking that “anything goes” proceeds unabated, unchecked in our children’s peer communities, while the adults remain silent.

Prior to the well-publicized soccer team scandal, there was plenty of evidence that the kids were taking risks. And think about it. Did we really need evidence? We were all teenagers once.

***

My youngest son’s freshman year on campus, an article appeared in the local paper about football players being suspended for a party with alcohol hosted by one of the players while the parents were out of town.

And then in his sophomore year two very alarming articles appeared in the high school newspaper. The first one appeared in March 2007 featuring a 10-year-old girl holding up a jug of whiskey, with the title “Mom Approved?” The entire article featured how underage drinking was ok, and that parents approved it – supported by anecdotes from kids reporting the different ways in which parents have endorsed their consumption of alcohol because it would be safe if it was supervised.

A couple of months later, another article appeared depicting the police being lenient about underage drinking because it was too much hassle to make arrests when they busted up teen parties with over one hundred kids present. The message of the article was as long as you don’t drink alcohol and drive then go for it. Just be safe. When my teenager came home I asked him to read this article. I wanted to know his reaction. After reading it he looked up and said, “The police just want kids to be safe,” he said, “What’s wrong with that?”

I replied, “Two things. First, there is no safe harbor in underage drinking. It leads to very bad decisions with consequences including sexually transmitted diseases, date rapes, violence and fatal alcohol poisoning and car crashes because judgment is severely impaired. Secondly, underage drinking is against the law. Does it make sense to you that this article is promoting the idea that the police are endorsing something that is against the law and ultimately not safe?”

My son rolled his eyes and wondered out loud who would be confronted with my concern about the message of the article, the police or the school administration. In my mind, the school journalists did a great job reporting the truth about the beliefs of the youth culture on campus, and brought attention to the deafening silence of parental wisdom.

That article inspired me to contact the chief of police and join a group of parents and school administrators on campus to address substance abuse among youth in some constructive way.

This concern that the risky conduct of our children would go unchecked and escalate into loss of life or more careers and futures destroyed is happening in communities across our country. During this time, my mother-in-law sent me an article from her community in Northern California, about an unsupervised party where drugs and alcohol were present, ended in the tragic death of a very popular athlete and good student and there was a mystery about what caused his death, but drugs and alcohol were involved. This incident tore apart the school community and the friendships among families involved were destroyed.

To put all of the adolescent risky choices into context, I find comfort in Stormie Omartian’s definition of sin in her book, Seven Prayers That Will Change Your Life Forever (2006, Countryman),:

“The word Sin is an old archery term, meaning to miss the bull’s-eye. Anything other than dead center is sin. So sin in our lives doesn’t just mean robbing a liquor store, murdering someone, or playing cards on Sunday. It’s much more than that. In fact, anything off the center of God’s best and perfect will for our lives is sin. That takes in a lot of territory!” (p.17)

Being off target for the highest and best in our lives is a good way to describe the risky choices teens can make. It’s not supposed to be a “judgy” thing, as we typically treat it in our parent culture today. Rather, catching kids doing things right and wrong is an opportunity to ensure that they stay on course for a healthy and prosperous life.

So when we vilify the kids (and their parents) whose risky choices are known publicly, the message our children get is that there is no possibility of recovery from bad choices. The community will not allow it. We really need to be in a place where we can encourage course correction and give the children hope for returning to the community standing tall and corrected, rather than being labeled “spoiled” and dumped.

This is why God gave us parents – so that when we have fallen, and we will, there is a relationship reflecting God’s love, which has confidence in our ability to suffer the consequences and stand, corrected.

What to do? Trust and Verify

In the fall of 2008, as a part of a substance abuse prevention initiative on my son’s campus organized by boosters, the “Trust and Verify” campaign was launched to encourage parents to become more proactive in ensuring that the choices of their children are legal and safe. The campaign involves leveraging the coaches’ influence to ask parents to do the following:

Activate their parent networks. Know the parents of the children their own child has befriended and establish expectations for curfew and activities free from drugs and alcohol.

Randomly drug test your children. As a safety net, this is recommended to help children say “no” to drugs and alcohol. It is an easy out to say, “My parents test me”.

These two efforts on the part of parents are self-regulatory. The aim of this campaign was to get parents to be more proactive in the prevention of alcohol and drug abuse among our teens. To take care of business at home, so the coaches and teachers can take care of business on campus. There is no requirement to report anything to the school or coaches. Rather, the objective is to ensure that children can receive positive reinforcement for the good decisions they make every day by holding up the norms for what is legal and safe. At the moment, the megaphone of the network culture is dominated by the fringe, the small percentage advocating “new norms” that are beneath our children.

• Alcohol is not a problem for minors, in fact, binge on – just don’t drive – everyone does it
• Prescription pills are safe – doctors prescribe them and they are easy to access at home
• Casual sex is no big deal, just don’t get pregnant.

The “Trust and Verify” campaign was launched in the football community with attendance by over 200 football parents and the head varsity coach. The thinking was that by leading with the football community, who has a very large and active parent base, and deep respect for the coach, there would be success with this launch to take across the entire campus.

The notice below was issued to parents on all football squads:

For the Children: Break the Code of Silence

The Elephant in the Room… The Problem…Many parents consistently report knowledge of other people’s children using drugs and or alcohol, and are reluctant to say anything to their parents – for fear of retribution to their own child at school.

What has developed is a deadly code of silence, wherein the children have come to expect that their secrets will be kept. They will be kept because the adults are afraid to discuss it.

Recent events in our own community reveal an increasing trend for substance abuse among our youth at earlier ages. The Internet and mobile phones and the constant media streams encourage our children to make risky choices every day.

Parents whose children have fallen prey to risky choices agree that communication with your child, and establishing trust with your own child is not enough. Parents, teachers, coaches and administrators must unite with a consistent message that minor’s use of drugs, tobacco and alcohol are harmful, can destroy lives and futures, AND they are illegal.

What to do?

Trust and Verify

Keep No More Secrets; Keep Children Safe.

First Steps Towards Recovering Alignment of Our Values and Actions:

• Activate your parent networks. This is the network of the parents of your child’s friends. When your child makes plans with friends, contact the parents to verify those plans and affirm expectations about curfew, changes in plans, supervision, etc. By connecting with the other adults in your child’s life, you are creating a safety net that is much needed to help your child deal with the pressures of popular culture.
• Consider Random “At Home” Drug Testing. Random, “at home” drug testing gives your child and “easy out”. It’s the supreme excuse for saying no to drugs and alcohol – and it sends a signal to others that you are serious about keeping children safe.

***

The Trust and Verify campaign was very well received.

The head coach and I made the presentation on Back to School night in the fall of 2008, requesting everyone to activate their parent networks and share information with respect and care to lift the children above the fray, and hold up the norms for what is legal and safe. We stressed that there is no judging, no telling parents “how to be a parent” – and that since we can all agree on what is legal and safe, we can also get proactive and set limits for our children to enforce norms to the best of our collective ability as a caring community.

Because the children matter, because their futures matter – we are creating a safety net.

The entire gym exploded with applause.

After the presentation, some parents approached me about concerns that children receive serious retribution on campus for parents that say anything to other parents. “It’s already happened to my child,” declared one mother, with an expression of anguish that told me the memory was fresh. Several other parents gathered to express similar concerns. We talked about the possibility of establishing some ground rules, but months later I realized that there would never be enough ground rules to protect everyone from all of the ways we tread on one another when it comes to children and risky choices.

The next day I received numerous emails hailing the meeting as a breath of fresh air, with “thank you!” and “finally!” And the amusing but insightful rumor on campus was that the coach is making parents drug test their children and turn in the results; which was not true.  However, in my view, this rumor expressed the deep desires of the children to have limits set, and relief that there would be a possibility that the adults would step up and address the risky conduct they were witnessing across the campus by taking preventative measures to be present and enforce limits — but not feeling free to confess what they are witnessing to anyone, much less their own parents.

And for those kids who did tell their parents about drug and alcohol abuse, I used to get phone calls asking me to not say where the information came from because it would mean social suicide for their child. There was sincere desperation in their voices, which I understood completely. And the truth of the matter is I could do nothing about it anyway, unless I or my child was directly involved.  All I could do was encourage parents to talk to one another and refrain from gossip. Nevertheless the anecdotal content has been helpful in shaping advocacy efforts for youth substance abuse prevention in our community.

After the Trust and Verify meeting, more parents were dealing directly with one another. I received more calls about how people were doing things differently, and lives were being affected.  And it wasn’t easy. I witnessed some extraordinary courage by parents and children to advance our state of community to a level of caring that required fearless collaboration — not easily mustered. And there would be some instances of retaliation on campus. But the children survived and the parents tell me their children are stronger for it. Eventually truth prevails. And having the “cover of coaches’ request” helped.

At schedule pick up day on campus, as a parent volunteer I manned two tables next to one another, one for the football boosters and the other for CASHY. In between them was a pyramid of drug test kits which the substance abuse prevention committee was selling to accompany the Trust and Verify parenting campaign.

One of the parents purchased a drug test kit for her son – which were in bright shiny yellow bags. She overheard the other kids on his squad commenting, as it didn’t take long for kids to recognize the “drug test kits” on campus.

“Who gave you that?” asked one teammate.

“My mom,” answered her son.

“Why did she buy it for you? You’re not the one who needs it.”

And then the teammates started to name the kids who would need the drug test kit.

After a minute or so one of the teammates declared, “If they make this mandatory, our season is finished.”

The children are living in a world where a parent community giving voice to the norms for what is legal and safe by and large does not exist to support their good choices, and this type of talk reflects that fact. When adults keep secrets, then the limits are no longer present: they are meaningless words and lectures. The children are on their own in their peer worlds, more vulnerable to the risky choices wherein other parents are perhaps also keeping our own children’s secrets.

The applause in the auditorium concluding the Trust and Verify kick off affirmed for me that there is indeed a silent majority that desires to set limits for our children because we care. However, the code of silence has a firm grip and it is a very real force with which to be reckoned.

This code of silence among parents is a stronghold that I know will take faith and persistence to break free from it in any community. Like continuous improvement in manufacturing process – it cannot be completed in one night, or day, year or event. It’s a state of being; a state of mind; it is constant. Trust and Verify Parenting requires forming solidarity around our core values on every front. And having coaches or other key influencers in the community asking for parents’ help to be proactive in communicating with one another (but not tattling) and in doing so recognizing that most of the time our children are making good choices.

Let’s support them.

Months later in a booster committee meeting with some substance abuse prevention folks, a representative from Bodin, a consulting firm for individual education and intervention treatment plans, was astonished to hear me describe the “code of silence” because she was only familiar with that term used in gang communities. There is a type of death that happens when you are outcast by your peers because of something you or your parent has said or done. And in some cases, it escalates into bullying and intimidation that reinforces the notion that parents don’t want to know, so don’t bother telling or they will shoot the messenger. My family has endured this treatment, and I am convinced that it is vital to break the code of silence because all our children, making good and poor choices, need to be held accountable because their lives and choices do matter, especially when there are negative consequences involved.

Privacy and Parental Authority

In addition to the code of silence preventing the expression of the voice of parental authority, we can also confuse trust and faith. Often, our children implore us to “trust them” and not do the parental thing – i.e., check with other parents about where the children are, with whom and when to be expected home. For many, this idea of parents talking with one another about what the kids are up to seems old fashioned or over protective.

In this regard, the distinction between faith and trust is important. If parents are to have custodial influence to reinforce good choices, the idea that children have privacy from parents in the home must be debunked. Kids need to know that trust among humans and human institutions are always verifiable, while faith we place in God because it requires no proof.  By allowing our children to roam in their social circles without verifying that what we expect is actually happening, we are leaving our children vulnerable to enormous pressure and risky circumstances.(See Appendix D, Custodial Networking).

Many parents believe that their connection to their child via a mobile phone is sufficient communication. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mobile phones afford our children maximum exposure to drugs, alcohol and exploitive sex.

The world our children navigate offers an exposure to drugs and alcohol hyped in cyber communications and witnessed off-line on campus and social gatherings. The network culture amplifies things that sound good but are not true such as it is ok to drink underage, just don’t drive; or prescription drugs are legal and safe because doctors prescribe it, it is easy for our children to become caught up in beliefs that are dangerous and beneath them.

Accordingly, law enforcement officials encourage parents to understand that their children do not have legal rights to privacy from parents in the home. In fact, it is the job of the parent to be in their minor child’s business. It is the protective cover of parental authority over a minor that is needed as a safety net on many fronts, including confronting the drug culture every day. “Parents need to understand that your child’s room belongs to you, not to the child,” said Sheriff Ed Bonner, Placer County. “There was a time when children had to come to a parent for information and access to resources. Today that is no longer the case and the parents need to be on top of what is going on in their children’s lives.”

In his book, High Society: How Substance Abuse Ravages America and what to do About It (2007, Public Affairs), Joseph Califano explores the drug culture in America revealing roots and beliefs as far back as the founding of the country. One key message is that parental influence is the most critical to children leading healthy lives into adulthood, unaltered by drugs and alcohol – impacting their futures.

“Underage drinking and marijuana use are not just a teen problem. They’re a parent problem as well. Many parents are enablers of their children’s alcohol and drug abuse. Over the course of a seven-year study of the class of 2005 at Staples High School in the Connecticut gold coast town of Westport, students repeatedly told Columbia University researcher Suniya Luthar that their parents were “way more tolerant of substance abuse” than of behavior such as rudeness, academic failure, and stealing. Too many parents had a ‘kids will be kids’ attitude about their children’s drug use, not appreciating how quickly casual use can escalate to serious consequences if they use drugs. Parental disapproval, she stressed, is ‘the one variable that will make a difference.’ Almost half the Staples students saw their parents as permissive or uninvolved.” (pp.46-47)

It’s difficult for many of us to fully appreciate how much pressure and influence the drug culture presents today, especially to young minds, because we have grown up in it – and young people are the primary targets for purveyors of drugs and alcohol. Many parents struggle with the dilemma that they are feeling like hypocrites, frowning on alcohol or drug (marijuana) use because their youth involved substance use/abuse of some kind. And some parents really don’t believe there is any harm in underage drinking and marijuana use. They are more fearful of “street drugs” like crack or heroin.

There are two problems with this thinking. The truth is that as parents, we are role models first, which means that we hold out for the highest and best for our children, regardless of what we did in our youth. Hopefully we are not permitting and promoting every stupid or illegal thing we may have done in our past. The important thing is to reserve judgment, but hold the line on correction and restoration if our children fall into drug or alcohol use and abuse.

Secondly, the drug culture today is very different from our adolescent days. The marijuana is more potent, and the kids are binging (extreme drinking).  And with the rise of prescription drug abuse among youth who gather it from the medicine cabinets in our homes, the modern “drug addict” looks a lot like your child.

It’s really not about us, it’s about the health and future of our children.

According to Califano, the hope is that if our children can reach 21 years of age without using or abusing drugs and alcohol, they are likely to live lives free from substance abuse.

“Before graduating high school every American child will be offered the opportunity to smoke, drink, get drunk, and get high on inhalants, marijuana, or other illegal or prescription drugs. Most girls and boys will get such offers many times, from classmates, friends, older siblings, usually beginning in middle school.

The choice these kids make may be the most important decision of their lives.

Why?

Because a child who gets through age twenty-one without smoking, using illegal drugs, or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so.

All the drug pushers – from illegal street dealers and Columbian cartel bosses to unscrupulous bodega retailers and tobacco and alcohol industry executives – understand this…

Most adults can trace their substance abuse demons to their adolescent years. Two-thirds of patients entering treatment for drug dependency were already abusing illegal drugs in their teens, before they had graduated high school or dropped out. More than nine of ten adult smokers were hooked before reaching twenty-one. Teen drinking is the number one feeder of adult alcoholism, and children who start to drink before age fifteen are four times likelier to become alcoholics than those who don’t drink before they turn twenty-one.” (pp.37-38)

***

Prior to my youngest son’s graduation from high school, I became a founding member of the Coalition for Placer Youth  which was formed in the summer of 2008 out of a county-wide grass roots effort to partner with school officials, law enforcement and concerned parents to promote a “substance abuse free” culture and community that reinforces the norms for what is legal and safe.

CPY is a community-wide response to the alarming statistics and real-life hometown experiences of youth alcohol and drug abuse. U.C. Davis Medical Center Trauma Center reports a 30% increase in alcohol-induced life threatening events of kids between 12-17 years of age from 2004-2007. During this same period, the trauma center reported a 60% increase of incidents in the ER by youth 12-17 years of age intoxicated with blood alcohol levels from .13 in 2004 to .16 in 2007.

Volunteers of the coalition, including law enforcement, educators, medical professionals, parents and teens, have witnessed and experienced first hand how the drug and alcohol culture amplified in “friend communities” of children, and endorsed by the few parents who permit and/or encourage it (as indicated in the high school newspaper articles referenced earlier), have wrecked lives and destroyed futures.  We participated in this effort because our youth needed to hear the voice of wisdom expressed in constructive, positive and sincere ways.

In the Fall of 2009, CPY was awarded a federal grant from the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy recently awarded a local Placer County coalition $625,000 for a period of five years. Working in partnership with the Placer County Department of Mental Health, the grant is funding education and awareness for promoting the grass roots vision for a healthy community free of substance abuse. “Community” is the operative word here, because we cannot expect our children to have a journey into adulthood free of addiction and death if the community does not support it.

Since formation, CPY has organized community forums and engaged youth to talk to the adult audiences about their experiences with drugs and alcohol, and the importance of the parent role.  These forums were very informative and insightful. The advice from youth who abused substances as well as those who did not is consistent:

They want parents to be involved in their lives in ways that support their independence and provide guidance – not oppressive.

• Don’t assume that because your child hangs out with the kids who earn good grades or are the top athletes that there are no drugs or alcohol involved.
• Also don’t assume that because a friend is using drugs or alcohol that (s)he is doing it.
• Know your child and have honest conversations about your concerns.

Fear-based, knee-jerk reactions are a turn off and will shut down communications. Giving your child a chance to explain what happened to get at the truth will open a channel to explore next steps for the best interest of your child and your family – including counseling and medical help if necessary.

When we don’t have conversations about expectations for kids to be drug and alcohol-free, our children treat our silence as condoning – whether they use or not, our silence sends a signal.

Having gleaned this insight from youth in the community forums, in the fall of 2010 CPY launched a “proactive parenting” presentation being offered to schools and parent groups at no charge. This presentation arms parents with the insights and inspiration needed to maintain open communication and strong leadership with their children about the very real pressures they experience on campus and in their social circles. The presentation talks about parents “taking a STAND” for the sake of the children:

• S—Secure, monitor, dispose (drugs and alcohol at home)
• T—Keep in Touch with your teen
• A—Don’t provide alcohol for teen parties
• N—Network with other parents
• D—Drug test your teen

“I wish parents could realize our children live with enormous pressure, and this could easily be their child,” said Kris Allen, a Roseville, California resident and member of CPY who is planning to schedule a presentation with the parents of her teenage daughter’s peers.

In addition, CPY formed a subcommittee active in addressing youth prescription drug abuse. A current youth trend involves taking pain killers from medicine cabinets at home and abusing them for recreation and/or self medication. CPY lead a very successful campaign to by promoting National Take Back Day September 25, 2010, staged by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) to prevent medication abuse and theft by collecting expired, unused, and unwanted medications from homes.

“The take-back effort consisted of 12 drop-off locations across Placer County, and more than 4,000 sites in all 50 states. More than 3,300 pounds of prescription drugs were collected at the 12 Placer County locations. That equated to more than 14.1 percent of the 24,725 pounds collected in California. Nationally, more than 242,000 pounds were collected. All medications collected were incinerated.

On October 13, 2010, President Obama signed the Secure and Responsible Drug Disposal Act into law. This law allows DEA to create a permanent solution for disposing of prescription drugs in a safe and responsible manner every day. Until this solution is finalized and in place, DEA plans to continue having one-day take-back events like the one held on September 25^th.” Source: CPY Press Release November 10, 2010.

In my experience over the past five years, youth substance abuse prevention is a matter of heart and mind – it requires rapport wherein children believe they matter at home, on campus and in the community at large. When children are not anchored in a culture of wisdom that reinforces they are too important and their futures are too precious to risk and/or squander on drugs and alcohol, they are subject to the whims and beliefs of popular culture that are beneath them.

And it is worth repeating that then, even then – there are no guarantees. It is not a matter of good parenting or bad parenting – it’s a matter of character, free will and the grace of God. All we can do is create a home and community environment that encourages and supports the healthy choices made every day.

And if our children fall into addiction, never give up on them.

In the voices of two young people in recovery from drug addiction, we can hear the elements of faith and character instilled by their families – a source of strength in the fight to escape the “dark pit” – as one of the moms explains.

Two very insightful voices of teenagers, one who grew up in Rocklin, California (now 25 years old serving 13 years in Folsom prison for armed robbery) and another now 18 years old in Ft. Meyers, Florida, who was arrested for drug trafficking at 16 years of age, both came from stable homes with two parents, in tact marriages, and traditional family values, demonstrate how faith and character are vital for not only survival, but for victory and redemption.

Both started smoking pot in their early teen years. Both are in recovery and have taken responsibility for their actions, and are demonstrating a breadth and depth of character that is possible by the grace of God. They have futures now because they have found their authority within to express their true voice – to make new choices and redirect their paths one day at a time.

As a result, they have emerged from the dark places they traveled, with a resolve about what is right and wrong and a commitment to live their lives in the light, not with secrets in the dark.

It has been an amazing experience having conversations with these two young men, who articulate their values with confidence and conviction. They have parents who have forgiven and who are willing to let go of the past, including their own expectations of who their children would become, and embrace their futures. These young people have taken the reigns of their lives and I believe are destined to do great things to contribute to their communities and society.

Their stories illustrate why parents must never give up hope for their children’s futures, how these particular children were blessed with parents who instilled core values which they could rely upon to rise out of the pit of despair and move toward a path of redemption with a bright future.

Ryan’s Story

Jeff’s Story

***

Why forgiveness matters

As evidenced by the recovery stories of Ryan and Jeff, the topic of forgiveness is important because in a world with free will, we are always at risk of offending one another. Whether the transgressions are big or small, it is inevitable and frequent. And each individual has the inherent authority to forgive. Each one of us must decide whether to release the emotional bonds of anger and resentment, or not.

More on forgiveness and why it’s a power thing.

***

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture – A Parent’s Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

 Publisher: SmashWords Download samples and order ($7.99)

• Available in all ebook formats including PDF

Photo: JOID(Flickr)

Below is an excerpt from The Authority In Me, (a portion of Chapter 4, Network Pressure and Shaping Character), a book which explores the power of family life in a network culture that seeks to define and manipulate us. Based upon the voices of professionals, parents and youth, this book explores how the very same authority that inspired the founding of the Republic of the United States, enables us to promote peace at home, leverage the ‘Net’ for our own purposes, and empower our children to prosper in the face of adversity, anxiety and change.

Network Pressure 

The network pressure created by the Internet and mobile phones is like a fire hose aimed at our children. This is a conclusion I formed through a process of discovery in the early cyber days – before social media (like MySpace and Facebook). By today’s standards, the 1990s, the first decade of my youngest son’s life were prehistoric times.

The advent of the Internet as a household utility changed family dynamics by generating a premium on children’s attention, directing them away from the home and classroom for answers, and placed new leadership demands on parents.

Today each member of the family has a personal profile, and is managing networked contacts and relationships, transactions and information that impact the quality of life. Each family member in order to participate in the network has authority to publish and enter into agreements. It is a powerful role that comes with great responsibility. So therefore wisdom and self-discipline are exponentially important for our children to succeed, and be happy and secure.

As discussed earlier, roles no longer ascribe authority to the same degree as they once did prior to the advent of the Internet –rather authority quite simply “not surrendered”.

When children are not grounded first by connection to the family, someplace secure where they belong, make contributions and are valued, they are vulnerable to the whims of the network, sometimes playful and sometimes sinister energy promoting actions and beliefs that are not always in alignment with our values.

It is easy to feel safe on “the Net”. There is as sense of anonymity and seclusion that can cause loss of inhibitions. Hence stories about cyberbullying, sexting and victims of pedophiles make the headlines.

For this reason, children don’t always appreciate why it’s not a good idea to accept a “friend request” from someone they don’t know, even if the “requestor” references people they know and trust. The ‘Net’ does not discriminate, exploiting all personal elements offered up in profile entries, tagged photos and messages…

Social Media

I first learned about MySpace (www.myspace.com) seven years ago while performing “control H” on my 7^th grader’s computer. Clicking upon the URL revealed a social network of some kind that captured tons of very personal information including, age, sex, sexual orientation, favorite colors and flavors, and “how you want to die”. It turned out that the URL I had accessed was a profile of someone attending a high school in another city. And it concerned me nevertheless that any minor child could engage in this type of networking. I began inquiring with other parents about “this MySpace” and learned that many parents knew nothing of it and some knew of significant dangers. One parent shared a story about his teenage daughter being pursued by someone who had come to the home to lay down flooring and later looked up her profile on MySpace and asked her for a date.

The parents of a 14-year-old Texas girl who was raped by someone who contacted her through her MySpace account attempted to sue MySpace and its parent company, News Corp. They claimed MySpace was fraudulent and negligent because their safety measures did not protect their daughter—who circumvented the website safety measure by declaring her age to be 18 years old. The lawsuit was originally dismissed in February 2007. In April 2008 the parents attempted to revive the $30 million lawsuit, which was denied.

The on-line discussions about this case declare this girl’s parents as “bad parents”, and MySpace and News Corp, have countered that the parents are at fault for not supervising their child.

There is no doubt that in order to keep children safe, parents must supervise their on-line activities. However, at the time the 14-year old created her “My Space” in February of 2005, most people were unaware of the potential danger of the Internet & profiling. And many parents are not “computer savvy”, and may be intimidated by the various on-line activities the kids enjoy today.

When our children lack the understanding of how their actions compromise their personal security, such as texting naked photos of themselves to please a boyfriend, or distributing naked photos to impress their friend communities, blasting across social networks mean and hateful messages about someone with whom they are in dispute, or sharing personal information in their social media profile and accepting strangers as “friends” because they were associated with someone they know, they put themselves and others at risk. They risk humiliation that seems relentless and endless (as what is published has the power of mass communication and lives on-line in perpetuity), potential criminal charges for felonies such as child pornography, suspension from school for bullying, and experiences with bad actors seeking to exploit them.

More importantly, these actions can leave a trail of broken relationships and despair.

Among the California laws impacting minors in effect for 2009 is AB86, which addresses on-line bullying during school hours or school-related activities. This legislation gives schools the authority to suspend or expel students engaged in such activity. According to a press release from the office of Assemblyman Tim Lieu (D-Torrence), who authored AB86, the advent of chat rooms and social networking sites have made “bullying more commonplace”, and the results of “internet torment can be fatal”.

Sergeant John Weaver with the Placer County Sheriff’s office has witnessed cyberbullying as a common occurrence. According to Weaver, in the past children and parents would contact law enforcement because of electronic bullying in one form or another and about 95-98% of this bullying was not a crime. “[The] Internet is today’s social club for kids. And man do they loose their inhibitions when using it,” said Weaver.Inspiration for this law comes in large part from the famous case in Missouri (mentioned earlier) where a 13-year-old girl, Megan Meier, killed herself in October 2006 after the mother of a former friend created a fictitious profile of a love interest and used this fake personality to engage her and then dump her. Worse than the cruelty of the hoax, there was national public outrage that it was not a crime.

New laws are passed each year to correct what is unacceptable, immoral or unsafe behavior, and yet some things cannot be legislated.

In 2004, my son’s 8th grade classmate killed himself. And the conversations on campus about “why?” centered on grades and expectations parents have of their children. I had to explain to my son that the reason why someone takes his or her own life is because of a loss of all hope and inability to see problems as temporary, not because of one particular reason (grades, bullying, bad break up, cut from the team, etc.). Not surprisingly, according to news reports, Meier was also a very troubled teenager who was taking medication for ADD and depression, in addition to a history of being a victim of bullying. While Meier’s personal issues do not exonerate the outrageously mean-spirited conduct of the perpetrator of the hoax, it does shed light on this incident so we can deal in truth. And while it is true that crossing the street and driving a car can also have fatal results, cyber-powered bullying does have a particularly intensive, perspective altering power over the individual targeted. It is imperative that every parent understand that their child can be the target or the bully under the right circumstances and with the wrong kind of thinking. See Appendix C for more about cyberbullying prevention.

While AB86 provides disciplinary sanctions to help school administrators maintain standards of civilized conduct on campus, no amount of legislation or education code can take the place of common sense and decency. Parents are key. In addition to disciplinary codes, lessons at home are important.

Victim mentality of the Cyberbully

“Ask any bully, and they will tell you why they are the victim”, says Lezlay Holmes, a psychologist practicing in Folsom, Clifornia. She is the CEO of ParentHelpLive and works as a site psychologist for the San Juan school district. “Bullies are never to blame,” continues Holmes in response to the recent case of Phoebe Prince, a 14-year-old immigrant from Ireland who was bullied so badly at her high school in South Hadley, Massachusetts, she took her own life.

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent's Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

“When children are not grounded first by connection to the family, someplace secure where they belong, make contributions and are valued, they are vulnerable to the whims of the network, sometimes playful and sometimes sinister energy promoting actions and beliefs that are not always in alignment with our values.” –Joanna Jullien, author, The Authority In Me

And if the relentless harassment and violence climaxing with Phoebe’s suicide was not enough, after her death these bullies continued to berate and bad-mouth her on Facebook, telling the State police they did nothing wrong and had nothing to do with her death.

They had demonstrated zero compassion for this fellow student, a fellow human being. They demonstrated moral bankruptcy.

Three months after Phoebe’s death, and in response to public outcry for justice, nine of the bullies, male and female, were arrested in the last week of March 2010 for statutory rape, harassment and assault with a deadly weapon associated with Phoebe Prince’s death.

The mother of one of the bullies arrested was quoted as saying her daughter did nothing wrong: “She only called her names.”

Huh?

While heartlessness is not a crime in itself, one would think that common decency would cause a parent to wonder why their child would gang up on another student in such a cruel way. This act of minimizing their child’s part in the total inhumane act is hard to swallow.

Holmes observes that we have become a society of “deflection”; we are loath to hold our children and ourselves accountable. Holmes has observed that many parents are afraid of judgment against them and their children, so they minimize and deflect when their children do things that are unacceptable or abhorrent.

When asked how the taunting could have escalated to this extreme level of violence and hatred, Holmes explains bullies who relentlessly and heartlessly harass and assault others demonize their target in order to justify their actions.

Holmes adds that if we are to raise children into high functioning adults and good citizens, it is imperative that parents hold children accountable for their actions before bad deeds or crimes escalate to the point of no return.

“Without judgment,” said Holmes, “parents need to deliver the consequences. Make sure your child understands why their actions matter. Why it is important that their behavior, their conduct meets a basic standard.” And more importantly, parents are the most effective role models. “If we are angered by getting a ticket, rather than accepting responsibility for speeding, rolling through the stop sign, or violating the parking sign, then we are demonstrating victim mentality for our children,” said Holmes, “Our children need to see us acting responsibly on all matters.”

The Phoebe Prince bullies illustrate the outlandish extent children can push limits; the lack of self-control in this case is egregious. Clearly, the bullies lacked respect for others and self that would enable them to govern their conduct according to civilized standards – which Holmes and Rosemond would argue is more than likely lacking in the home. The comments of the mother defending her “bully” child’s innocent part in the entire affair typify this point.

Phoebe and her bullies were incapable of recognizing their own inherent authority to stand alone regardless of what others were doing. Without minimizing the torment Phoebe endured, it must also be understood that she had many other choices, which she was not able to perceive. When a person takes her own life, she is incapable of seeing her current circumstance as temporary. She cannot see any other way out. So Phoebe and other children who have committed suicide illustrate why it is equally important for “targets” of bullying, especially because it is now extremely intensified by cyber technology, to identify with their inherent authority to know truth – that because they were born, they do matter, regardless of what anyone else says or does.

Unfortunately, we are not lacking examples of this problem of “deflecting”, and ego-driven cruel behavior, de-humanizing victims as targets.

In October 2009, a 15-year-old girl was gang raped outside the school gym as the homecoming dance was in progress in Richmond, California made national headlines. Incredibly the assault went on for approximately two hours with as many as 12 attackers involved.

This attack occurred on a busy campus on homecoming night. It was not an isolated field or in a dark alley. Clearly there was no “stand alone” behavior during those two hours. Not a single individual was able to “stand alone” and put a stop to the brutality – it was mob mentality run amok. In a CNN report, as many as 20 people were involved in the attack or watched. In a CBS report the police said that on-lookers failed to report it. When police were finally notified about the attack, they found the girl left semi-conscious on a picnic bench.

And as I write this (Spring 2010), the headline just came across Google news alerts about a dying girl in Trenton Michigan, cyber bullied by an adult neighbor, Jennifer Petkov. Seven-year-old Kathleen Edward is suffering from Huntington’s disease, which took her mother’s life in 2008. Petkov reportedly posted pictures on her Facebook account of Kathleen with an image of a skull and cross bones over her face, and an image of her mother lying in the arms of the grim reaper. Apparently, the motivation for this cruel behavior was a dispute with Kathleen’s grandmother. The public response to this cruelty generated donations for Kathleen’s medical costs.

This use of Facebook illustrates how people justify cruelty by de-humanizing targets; as Holmes points out every bully claims to be the victim. The power to amplify cruelty, however, is a recent development of the ‘Net’ that requires our children to always seek the security of family morals and come home for answers and comfort.

More importantly, to achieve the security of self-governance and “stand alone behavior”, we need to be clear about the importance of self-respect and respect for others on and off-line.

Rosemond offers additional insight about how children [and some adults] can be so intensely cruel. Contrary to post-modern psychology, he cautions against the case for “self-esteem”, wherein we are encouraged to cater to our children’s every whim and avoid hurt feelings at all costs. He cautions that self-esteem leads to an entitlement mentality and low self control, as demonstrated by the homecoming school dance attackers and Phoebe Prince’s bullies (Rosemond, pp. 55-56).

Rosemond points out that self-respect and self-esteem are not synonymous – rather they are polar opposites. (p.73)

“Self-respect develops as one treats others with respect and dignity, no matter their station. As respect is given away, self-respect grows within. This creates a constant ‘feedback loop’ – as one treats others with respect, self-respect develops, thus enhancing one’s respectful treatment of others, and so on…On the other hand, a child develops self-esteem not by giving, but by getting. Self-esteem develops courtesy of people who do things for the child, create success experiences for him (even false success experiences), and praise him, as well as courtesy of things he does for himself. As self-esteem grows, respect for others diminishes. Self-respect is synonymous with a generous heart, while the heart of a person with high self-esteem is subjugated to selfishness.

People with high respect for others (and therefore, high self-respect) are fulfilled no matter their status, salary, or state of material wealth. High self-esteem, on the other hand, creates the illusion of self-fulfillment. It creates a craving for attention, recognition, status, dominance, and things, no amount of which is ever enough.” (pp.73-74)

Personal power comes from self-respect and when it is surrendered bullies and victims are created. This is something that our founding fathers appreciated when they established a republic, rooted in the knowledge that our Creator is the supreme power and the supply of all things we need. People who intimidate, bully and tread on others do not have legitimate authority plain and simple.

The sooner we help our children of the Web appreciate this truth, the better.

Another aspect of network pressure is the lies of the popular culture, which at first glance seem similar to previous generations and were discussed in the Introduction. What is not understood by many parents today is the amount of pressure applied through network technology which makes them seem so normal in their friend communities. Below are some examples.

Everyone is drinking alcohol and using drugs. It’s the new norm for teenagers.

• Prescription drugs are safe. Doctors prescribe them.
• Sexual intercourse is required to be “intimate” and/or accepted.
• I am invisible unless I have a presence on Facebook.
• The number of “friends” in MY community is how I measure my importance or worth.

And yet with all this potential risk, the optimist in me focuses on how the network culture is selecting for character. For parents, the challenge in raising cyber secure citizens is to help set their moral compass with your family values and armed with the wisdom of your life experience so they can face this very same network pressure with confidence.

***

…Chapter 4 – Summary

• Wisdom and self-discipline are exponentially important for our children to succeed, and be happy and secure in the network culture.
• For parents, this means exercising their inherent authority as guardians.
• Network pressure includes beliefs and values about their identity, sex, drugs and alcohol that are beneath them, cyberbullying, sexting, and connections to pedophiles trolling for insecure children seeking attention; children are at risk of the psychological and possibly physical harm.
• In this context, “stand alone” behavior is the product of strong character that promotes personal security. When children know who they are (first as a member of your family), can rely upon their values and beliefs for decisions and choices encountered with peers and in the network culture – they can: resist pressure to allow or participate in bullying; be more likely to avoid the traps of drug and alcohol abuse; or to buy-into the fear-based mentality of perverts who seek to engage children in illicit sexual encounters and keep them in bondage with secrets.
• It is important to distinguish between self-esteem and self-respect. Self-esteem is self-centered and if over emphasized can lead to insecurity. Self-respect is a source of strong character, allowing the individual to find that intersection between self-interest and the greater good of the community (be it family, friends, team, campus, or neighborhood).
• Personal power comes from self-respect and when it is surrendered bullies and victims are created.
• Network culture can make the lies of popular culture seem like new norms – amplifying pressure beyond anything we experience as children through our peers.
• When your child has a moral compass with your family values it is easier to maintain stand-alone behavior in the face of network pressure to make choices that are beneath them (i.e., binge drinking, prescription drug abuse, casual sex, cyberbullying).
• Happiness is a choice; and ultimately it’s a matter of character. Yet we live in a consumer network culture that says: “You are the customer, let me make you happy.”
• Emotional intelligence, also a product of strong character, enables the child to rise above challenging or disparaging circumstances and develop responses to life’s challenges (big and small) in ways that are constructive, not destructive.
• Left unchecked, the network culture encourages the opposite of emotional intelligence.
• The network culture challenges emotional intelligence because so much of what is featured, discussed, hyped is not really important but nevertheless can appear real.
• Custodial networking is strategic communication among parents about what is happening in our children’s lives. When parents witness or learn that another child is engaged in risky or unlawful conduct, sharing this information with respect for the individuals (no gossiping) and confidence that the right things will be said and done by the right people to help the child stand corrected.
• There was a time when limits and expectations for discipline were commonly respected. Today our common culture no longer integrates those limits to support good-decision making. So custodial networking is even more imperative to reinforce the good choices our children make. (See Appendix D for the Custodial Networking worksheet).

 Review more samples of and order The Authority In Me.

In her book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less From Each Other (2011), Sherry Turkle, a technology and society specialist at MIT, addresses the question of whether we as humans will determine how to keep busy the cyber technology that  automates our lives and disrupts, or acts as an impervious substitute for, genuine human interaction. 

From social media to robots, Turkle observes that we are a society experimenting with a simulated, superficial existence that denigrates our humanity.

            “Actually, we have agreed to a series of experiments: robots for children and the elderly, technologies that denigrate and deny privacy, seductive simulations that propose themselves as places to live.

We deserve better. When we remind ourselves that it is we who decide how to keep technology busy, we shall have better.” (p.296)

Alone Together offers tremendous insight and eloquently qualifies longing for genuine, nurturing relationships in the network culture. Something from which Internet powered communications and texting distracts us.   Accordingly, this edition of Banana Moments focuses on a theme critical to family life addressed by Turkle: undivided attention for loved ones, be they children or aging parents.

            For more see: Life interrupted: Are our children starving for attention? p.2 And Introducing “Elder Care Corner” in the Fall 2011 edition of Banana Moments: Family Business Quarterly.

            For more reading on how to overcome the cyber disconnect of family life, check out Joanna’s e-book: The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture – A Parent’s Voice in the Cyber Wilderness. (2011).