Photo: JOID(Flickr)

Below is an excerpt from The Authority In Me, (a portion of Chapter 4, Network Pressure and Shaping Character), a book which explores the power of family life in a network culture that seeks to define and manipulate us. Based upon the voices of professionals, parents and youth, this book explores how the very same authority that inspired the founding of the Republic of the United States, enables us to promote peace at home, leverage the ‘Net’ for our own purposes, and empower our children to prosper in the face of adversity, anxiety and change.

Network Pressure 

The network pressure created by the Internet and mobile phones is like a fire hose aimed at our children. This is a conclusion I formed through a process of discovery in the early cyber days – before social media (like MySpace and Facebook). By today’s standards, the 1990s, the first decade of my youngest son’s life were prehistoric times.

The advent of the Internet as a household utility changed family dynamics by generating a premium on children’s attention, directing them away from the home and classroom for answers, and placed new leadership demands on parents.

Today each member of the family has a personal profile, and is managing networked contacts and relationships, transactions and information that impact the quality of life. Each family member in order to participate in the network has authority to publish and enter into agreements. It is a powerful role that comes with great responsibility. So therefore wisdom and self-discipline are exponentially important for our children to succeed, and be happy and secure.

As discussed earlier, roles no longer ascribe authority to the same degree as they once did prior to the advent of the Internet –rather authority quite simply “not surrendered”.

When children are not grounded first by connection to the family, someplace secure where they belong, make contributions and are valued, they are vulnerable to the whims of the network, sometimes playful and sometimes sinister energy promoting actions and beliefs that are not always in alignment with our values.

It is easy to feel safe on “the Net”. There is as sense of anonymity and seclusion that can cause loss of inhibitions. Hence stories about cyberbullying, sexting and victims of pedophiles make the headlines.

For this reason, children don’t always appreciate why it’s not a good idea to accept a “friend request” from someone they don’t know, even if the “requestor” references people they know and trust. The ‘Net’ does not discriminate, exploiting all personal elements offered up in profile entries, tagged photos and messages…

Social Media

I first learned about MySpace (www.myspace.com) seven years ago while performing “control H” on my 7^th grader’s computer. Clicking upon the URL revealed a social network of some kind that captured tons of very personal information including, age, sex, sexual orientation, favorite colors and flavors, and “how you want to die”. It turned out that the URL I had accessed was a profile of someone attending a high school in another city. And it concerned me nevertheless that any minor child could engage in this type of networking. I began inquiring with other parents about “this MySpace” and learned that many parents knew nothing of it and some knew of significant dangers. One parent shared a story about his teenage daughter being pursued by someone who had come to the home to lay down flooring and later looked up her profile on MySpace and asked her for a date.

The parents of a 14-year-old Texas girl who was raped by someone who contacted her through her MySpace account attempted to sue MySpace and its parent company, News Corp. They claimed MySpace was fraudulent and negligent because their safety measures did not protect their daughter—who circumvented the website safety measure by declaring her age to be 18 years old. The lawsuit was originally dismissed in February 2007. In April 2008 the parents attempted to revive the $30 million lawsuit, which was denied.

The on-line discussions about this case declare this girl’s parents as “bad parents”, and MySpace and News Corp, have countered that the parents are at fault for not supervising their child.

There is no doubt that in order to keep children safe, parents must supervise their on-line activities. However, at the time the 14-year old created her “My Space” in February of 2005, most people were unaware of the potential danger of the Internet & profiling. And many parents are not “computer savvy”, and may be intimidated by the various on-line activities the kids enjoy today.

When our children lack the understanding of how their actions compromise their personal security, such as texting naked photos of themselves to please a boyfriend, or distributing naked photos to impress their friend communities, blasting across social networks mean and hateful messages about someone with whom they are in dispute, or sharing personal information in their social media profile and accepting strangers as “friends” because they were associated with someone they know, they put themselves and others at risk. They risk humiliation that seems relentless and endless (as what is published has the power of mass communication and lives on-line in perpetuity), potential criminal charges for felonies such as child pornography, suspension from school for bullying, and experiences with bad actors seeking to exploit them.

More importantly, these actions can leave a trail of broken relationships and despair.

Among the California laws impacting minors in effect for 2009 is AB86, which addresses on-line bullying during school hours or school-related activities. This legislation gives schools the authority to suspend or expel students engaged in such activity. According to a press release from the office of Assemblyman Tim Lieu (D-Torrence), who authored AB86, the advent of chat rooms and social networking sites have made “bullying more commonplace”, and the results of “internet torment can be fatal”.

Sergeant John Weaver with the Placer County Sheriff’s office has witnessed cyberbullying as a common occurrence. According to Weaver, in the past children and parents would contact law enforcement because of electronic bullying in one form or another and about 95-98% of this bullying was not a crime. “[The] Internet is today’s social club for kids. And man do they loose their inhibitions when using it,” said Weaver.Inspiration for this law comes in large part from the famous case in Missouri (mentioned earlier) where a 13-year-old girl, Megan Meier, killed herself in October 2006 after the mother of a former friend created a fictitious profile of a love interest and used this fake personality to engage her and then dump her. Worse than the cruelty of the hoax, there was national public outrage that it was not a crime.

New laws are passed each year to correct what is unacceptable, immoral or unsafe behavior, and yet some things cannot be legislated.

In 2004, my son’s 8th grade classmate killed himself. And the conversations on campus about “why?” centered on grades and expectations parents have of their children. I had to explain to my son that the reason why someone takes his or her own life is because of a loss of all hope and inability to see problems as temporary, not because of one particular reason (grades, bullying, bad break up, cut from the team, etc.). Not surprisingly, according to news reports, Meier was also a very troubled teenager who was taking medication for ADD and depression, in addition to a history of being a victim of bullying. While Meier’s personal issues do not exonerate the outrageously mean-spirited conduct of the perpetrator of the hoax, it does shed light on this incident so we can deal in truth. And while it is true that crossing the street and driving a car can also have fatal results, cyber-powered bullying does have a particularly intensive, perspective altering power over the individual targeted. It is imperative that every parent understand that their child can be the target or the bully under the right circumstances and with the wrong kind of thinking. See Appendix C for more about cyberbullying prevention.

While AB86 provides disciplinary sanctions to help school administrators maintain standards of civilized conduct on campus, no amount of legislation or education code can take the place of common sense and decency. Parents are key. In addition to disciplinary codes, lessons at home are important.

Victim mentality of the Cyberbully

“Ask any bully, and they will tell you why they are the victim”, says Lezlay Holmes, a psychologist practicing in Folsom, Clifornia. She is the CEO of ParentHelpLive and works as a site psychologist for the San Juan school district. “Bullies are never to blame,” continues Holmes in response to the recent case of Phoebe Prince, a 14-year-old immigrant from Ireland who was bullied so badly at her high school in South Hadley, Massachusetts, she took her own life.

The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture - A Parent's Voice in the Cyber Wilderness

“When children are not grounded first by connection to the family, someplace secure where they belong, make contributions and are valued, they are vulnerable to the whims of the network, sometimes playful and sometimes sinister energy promoting actions and beliefs that are not always in alignment with our values.” –Joanna Jullien, author, The Authority In Me

And if the relentless harassment and violence climaxing with Phoebe’s suicide was not enough, after her death these bullies continued to berate and bad-mouth her on Facebook, telling the State police they did nothing wrong and had nothing to do with her death.

They had demonstrated zero compassion for this fellow student, a fellow human being. They demonstrated moral bankruptcy.

Three months after Phoebe’s death, and in response to public outcry for justice, nine of the bullies, male and female, were arrested in the last week of March 2010 for statutory rape, harassment and assault with a deadly weapon associated with Phoebe Prince’s death.

The mother of one of the bullies arrested was quoted as saying her daughter did nothing wrong: “She only called her names.”

Huh?

While heartlessness is not a crime in itself, one would think that common decency would cause a parent to wonder why their child would gang up on another student in such a cruel way. This act of minimizing their child’s part in the total inhumane act is hard to swallow.

Holmes observes that we have become a society of “deflection”; we are loath to hold our children and ourselves accountable. Holmes has observed that many parents are afraid of judgment against them and their children, so they minimize and deflect when their children do things that are unacceptable or abhorrent.

When asked how the taunting could have escalated to this extreme level of violence and hatred, Holmes explains bullies who relentlessly and heartlessly harass and assault others demonize their target in order to justify their actions.

Holmes adds that if we are to raise children into high functioning adults and good citizens, it is imperative that parents hold children accountable for their actions before bad deeds or crimes escalate to the point of no return.

“Without judgment,” said Holmes, “parents need to deliver the consequences. Make sure your child understands why their actions matter. Why it is important that their behavior, their conduct meets a basic standard.” And more importantly, parents are the most effective role models. “If we are angered by getting a ticket, rather than accepting responsibility for speeding, rolling through the stop sign, or violating the parking sign, then we are demonstrating victim mentality for our children,” said Holmes, “Our children need to see us acting responsibly on all matters.”

The Phoebe Prince bullies illustrate the outlandish extent children can push limits; the lack of self-control in this case is egregious. Clearly, the bullies lacked respect for others and self that would enable them to govern their conduct according to civilized standards – which Holmes and Rosemond would argue is more than likely lacking in the home. The comments of the mother defending her “bully” child’s innocent part in the entire affair typify this point.

Phoebe and her bullies were incapable of recognizing their own inherent authority to stand alone regardless of what others were doing. Without minimizing the torment Phoebe endured, it must also be understood that she had many other choices, which she was not able to perceive. When a person takes her own life, she is incapable of seeing her current circumstance as temporary. She cannot see any other way out. So Phoebe and other children who have committed suicide illustrate why it is equally important for “targets” of bullying, especially because it is now extremely intensified by cyber technology, to identify with their inherent authority to know truth – that because they were born, they do matter, regardless of what anyone else says or does.

Unfortunately, we are not lacking examples of this problem of “deflecting”, and ego-driven cruel behavior, de-humanizing victims as targets.

In October 2009, a 15-year-old girl was gang raped outside the school gym as the homecoming dance was in progress in Richmond, California made national headlines. Incredibly the assault went on for approximately two hours with as many as 12 attackers involved.

This attack occurred on a busy campus on homecoming night. It was not an isolated field or in a dark alley. Clearly there was no “stand alone” behavior during those two hours. Not a single individual was able to “stand alone” and put a stop to the brutality – it was mob mentality run amok. In a CNN report, as many as 20 people were involved in the attack or watched. In a CBS report the police said that on-lookers failed to report it. When police were finally notified about the attack, they found the girl left semi-conscious on a picnic bench.

And as I write this (Spring 2010), the headline just came across Google news alerts about a dying girl in Trenton Michigan, cyber bullied by an adult neighbor, Jennifer Petkov. Seven-year-old Kathleen Edward is suffering from Huntington’s disease, which took her mother’s life in 2008. Petkov reportedly posted pictures on her Facebook account of Kathleen with an image of a skull and cross bones over her face, and an image of her mother lying in the arms of the grim reaper. Apparently, the motivation for this cruel behavior was a dispute with Kathleen’s grandmother. The public response to this cruelty generated donations for Kathleen’s medical costs.

This use of Facebook illustrates how people justify cruelty by de-humanizing targets; as Holmes points out every bully claims to be the victim. The power to amplify cruelty, however, is a recent development of the ‘Net’ that requires our children to always seek the security of family morals and come home for answers and comfort.

More importantly, to achieve the security of self-governance and “stand alone behavior”, we need to be clear about the importance of self-respect and respect for others on and off-line.

Rosemond offers additional insight about how children [and some adults] can be so intensely cruel. Contrary to post-modern psychology, he cautions against the case for “self-esteem”, wherein we are encouraged to cater to our children’s every whim and avoid hurt feelings at all costs. He cautions that self-esteem leads to an entitlement mentality and low self control, as demonstrated by the homecoming school dance attackers and Phoebe Prince’s bullies (Rosemond, pp. 55-56).

Rosemond points out that self-respect and self-esteem are not synonymous – rather they are polar opposites. (p.73)

“Self-respect develops as one treats others with respect and dignity, no matter their station. As respect is given away, self-respect grows within. This creates a constant ‘feedback loop’ – as one treats others with respect, self-respect develops, thus enhancing one’s respectful treatment of others, and so on…On the other hand, a child develops self-esteem not by giving, but by getting. Self-esteem develops courtesy of people who do things for the child, create success experiences for him (even false success experiences), and praise him, as well as courtesy of things he does for himself. As self-esteem grows, respect for others diminishes. Self-respect is synonymous with a generous heart, while the heart of a person with high self-esteem is subjugated to selfishness.

People with high respect for others (and therefore, high self-respect) are fulfilled no matter their status, salary, or state of material wealth. High self-esteem, on the other hand, creates the illusion of self-fulfillment. It creates a craving for attention, recognition, status, dominance, and things, no amount of which is ever enough.” (pp.73-74)

Personal power comes from self-respect and when it is surrendered bullies and victims are created. This is something that our founding fathers appreciated when they established a republic, rooted in the knowledge that our Creator is the supreme power and the supply of all things we need. People who intimidate, bully and tread on others do not have legitimate authority plain and simple.

The sooner we help our children of the Web appreciate this truth, the better.

Another aspect of network pressure is the lies of the popular culture, which at first glance seem similar to previous generations and were discussed in the Introduction. What is not understood by many parents today is the amount of pressure applied through network technology which makes them seem so normal in their friend communities. Below are some examples.

Everyone is drinking alcohol and using drugs. It’s the new norm for teenagers.

• Prescription drugs are safe. Doctors prescribe them.
• Sexual intercourse is required to be “intimate” and/or accepted.
• I am invisible unless I have a presence on Facebook.
• The number of “friends” in MY community is how I measure my importance or worth.

And yet with all this potential risk, the optimist in me focuses on how the network culture is selecting for character. For parents, the challenge in raising cyber secure citizens is to help set their moral compass with your family values and armed with the wisdom of your life experience so they can face this very same network pressure with confidence.

***

…Chapter 4 – Summary

• Wisdom and self-discipline are exponentially important for our children to succeed, and be happy and secure in the network culture.
• For parents, this means exercising their inherent authority as guardians.
• Network pressure includes beliefs and values about their identity, sex, drugs and alcohol that are beneath them, cyberbullying, sexting, and connections to pedophiles trolling for insecure children seeking attention; children are at risk of the psychological and possibly physical harm.
• In this context, “stand alone” behavior is the product of strong character that promotes personal security. When children know who they are (first as a member of your family), can rely upon their values and beliefs for decisions and choices encountered with peers and in the network culture – they can: resist pressure to allow or participate in bullying; be more likely to avoid the traps of drug and alcohol abuse; or to buy-into the fear-based mentality of perverts who seek to engage children in illicit sexual encounters and keep them in bondage with secrets.
• It is important to distinguish between self-esteem and self-respect. Self-esteem is self-centered and if over emphasized can lead to insecurity. Self-respect is a source of strong character, allowing the individual to find that intersection between self-interest and the greater good of the community (be it family, friends, team, campus, or neighborhood).
• Personal power comes from self-respect and when it is surrendered bullies and victims are created.
• Network culture can make the lies of popular culture seem like new norms – amplifying pressure beyond anything we experience as children through our peers.
• When your child has a moral compass with your family values it is easier to maintain stand-alone behavior in the face of network pressure to make choices that are beneath them (i.e., binge drinking, prescription drug abuse, casual sex, cyberbullying).
• Happiness is a choice; and ultimately it’s a matter of character. Yet we live in a consumer network culture that says: “You are the customer, let me make you happy.”
• Emotional intelligence, also a product of strong character, enables the child to rise above challenging or disparaging circumstances and develop responses to life’s challenges (big and small) in ways that are constructive, not destructive.
• Left unchecked, the network culture encourages the opposite of emotional intelligence.
• The network culture challenges emotional intelligence because so much of what is featured, discussed, hyped is not really important but nevertheless can appear real.
• Custodial networking is strategic communication among parents about what is happening in our children’s lives. When parents witness or learn that another child is engaged in risky or unlawful conduct, sharing this information with respect for the individuals (no gossiping) and confidence that the right things will be said and done by the right people to help the child stand corrected.
• There was a time when limits and expectations for discipline were commonly respected. Today our common culture no longer integrates those limits to support good-decision making. So custodial networking is even more imperative to reinforce the good choices our children make. (See Appendix D for the Custodial Networking worksheet).

 Review more samples of and order The Authority In Me.

In her book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less From Each Other (2011), Sherry Turkle, a technology and society specialist at MIT, addresses the question of whether we as humans will determine how to keep busy the cyber technology that  automates our lives and disrupts, or acts as an impervious substitute for, genuine human interaction. 

From social media to robots, Turkle observes that we are a society experimenting with a simulated, superficial existence that denigrates our humanity.

            “Actually, we have agreed to a series of experiments: robots for children and the elderly, technologies that denigrate and deny privacy, seductive simulations that propose themselves as places to live.

We deserve better. When we remind ourselves that it is we who decide how to keep technology busy, we shall have better.” (p.296)

Alone Together offers tremendous insight and eloquently qualifies longing for genuine, nurturing relationships in the network culture. Something from which Internet powered communications and texting distracts us.   Accordingly, this edition of Banana Moments focuses on a theme critical to family life addressed by Turkle: undivided attention for loved ones, be they children or aging parents.

            For more see: Life interrupted: Are our children starving for attention? p.2 And Introducing “Elder Care Corner” in the Fall 2011 edition of Banana Moments: Family Business Quarterly.

            For more reading on how to overcome the cyber disconnect of family life, check out Joanna’s e-book: The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture – A Parent’s Voice in the Cyber Wilderness. (2011).

Teens from Divine Savior Church in Orangevale, CA, met to discuss how to rule their cyber world.

Last Sunday evening, over 70 teens assembled at Divine Savior Church to discuss “how to rule their world in cyber space”.

This Banana Moments’ cyber citizenship workshop provided an overview of the importance working with parents at home and cyber-safe house rules to establish authentic boundaries that truly benefitted their lives.

Authentic boundaries serve to protect the liberty of the individual and at the same time hold the individual accountable to the greater good (family, friends, community).

These teens were encouraged to consider that freedom is not without limits, and that if the Internet has no boundaries, and is “free” so others can do and say what they want, when they want, what is preventing bad actors from infringing on your personal security.

The teens were also encouraged to ask themselves, “what purpose does this serve?” before they hit send or post anything – especially anything negative or sexually explicit. “Is this making my life and the lives of others better? Is it consistent with my core values and my faith?”

So how can you be in charge of your cyber world if there are no boundaries?

The answer is in collaborating with parents and developing and embracing cyber safe house rules.

Starting at home, house rules can prepare youth to be secure in how we use mobile phones and the Internet and to avoid the risk traps of cyberbullying, sexting, pedophile encounters, malware, and addiction.

These astute teens offered examples of rules or limits that make their lives better, among them:

• No texting during school
• If grades suffer, technology is withheld.
• Parents should know your contact list and determine what websites are age appropriate.
• No Facebook unless a parent is also a “friend”.
• Use the mobile phone to keep your parents informed about where you are and who you are with.
• No foul language or negative comments (think before you text).
• No inappropriate photos or videos.’
• Don’t “friend” people on Facebook you haven’t met in real life.
• No spreading rumors or bullying on line or through text.
  If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing.
• Treat people the way you want to be treated.
• Don’t do anything without your parent’s permission.
• Be kind or be blocked

Parent Resources

• Banana Moments
• Parenting in the Cyber Wilderness: The Authority In Me
•  A Parent’s Guide to Cyber Citizenship
• Rules for the Cyber World by Divine Savior Teens

(Ref: 522)

Special Agent Steve Dupree, Sacramento FBI Office

SACRAMENTO — The FBI just released a free mobile phone app that enables parents to provide the authorities with immediate identity information including current images in the event a child is lost or kid knapped.

Special Agent Steve Dupre of the Sacramento FBI office encourages parents to consider this child identity application as a tool that will act as insurance, but does not signal a rise in the threat of child abduction.

“In the unlikely event that something does happen and you need help from authorities to locate your missing child, this application will allow you to instantly deliver the necessary information to immediate mobilize support, including Ambert Alert in California,” Dupre said.

The ChildID app is currently available on iPhone, but will soon be released to other smart phone platforms such as Android.

FBI Free ChildID app for mobile phones

“In the past we have relied upon the distribution of child identity kids to parents attending college football games, in long time partnership with the American Football Coaches Association, and the distribution was expensive and very limited. Now we can expand the delivery to any parent with a smart phone, which is a huge improvement,” Dupre said, “The first few hours after a child disappears is the most critical and this application gives us a great head start in the search.”

According to Dupre, the identification kits issued with the AFCA at football games also included DNA samples, such as hair or saliva in addition to photos and information about height, weight, etc.  The ChildID phone app does not include the DNA information at this time, but ponders the possibility of eventually capturing a fingerprint digitally. “This app nevertheless gives the authorities an instant start without DNA samples. The benefit is tremendous,” Dupre said.

To learn more go to: FBI ChildID app.

Access audio tutorial of FBI ChildID app.

To access the free download, go to iTunes Store.

(Ref: 503-e-BM)

Alice Rush, M.A., MCC-Owner and Founder of CareerU® Counseling Center,

by Alice Rush, M.A., MCC  — Owner and Founder of CareerU® Counseling Center

This article is for kids who are stressed out in high school, don’t know how they’re going to make it; parents who are not sure how they are going to afford the new “6 years” of private college tuition or UC System tuition for a Bachelor’s Degree; the high achiever kids that surprisingly ‘don’t get in’ and are wondering what to do? 

This article is for you.

Know that you have many options!

I just viewed the trailer and visited the web site for “Race to No Where,” and I applaud the film makers for taking a stand to change our education paradigm. As a Career and Educational Counselor, I have strong passions and devoted knowledge about education and teen stress, having worked in the education counseling field for the past 18 years. Here is what I have observed to be one of our biggest problems and aggravators to teen stress:

1)      The perception that “our kids are only as secure as where they are accepted into college.”

As a parent of two college-bound children as well, I get this one.

We feel if our kids are accepted into the best college right out of high school, their future will be golden, right? This may be good for some, but not for all.

The problem with this perception is that many 4.0 GPA, or 4.5 GPA high school graduates (with the right extra curricular activities) are NOT getting into the colleges of their dreams. Colleges in CA in particular are heavily impacted. We know this. We also know that if our kids are accepted into the college of their dreams, it could take 6 years to complete a bachelors degree- due to the impossibility of getting the classes needed to graduate (again because the colleges are so impacted.) Six years of expensive private college tuition fees?

Even if they do get in, can we afford this expenditure? How about if you have 2-3-4 kids?

2)  The second issue around college acceptance involves something even more serious. The life and death equation: “I have to get into that college or I will disappoint my parents, they wont love or approve of me anymore, my friends will think I’m a loser…”

…and then we get the note: (which really happened in Palo Alto, where I grew up). Where the high school student said in his note, “I just don’t think I will ever measure up” and threw himself in front of a train. Teen suicide is very real and at some point we have to think, “Is all that pressure really worth it?” OK, this might sound extreme, yet the majority of high school students these days, particularly high achievers, will tell you they experience some form of anxiety – especially ‘fear of failure.’

Photo: xjasonrogersx's photostream (Flickr)

The best way to combat this anxiety and ‘fear of failure’, however, is to let your kids know that if they don’t get in, they can get in eventually and that there is time.

What if I told you that our kids do not need to be accepted into the college of their dreams  right out of high school in order to be accepted and graduate from the college of their dreams?

What if I told you that all those AP classes and extra curricular activities in high school were great for challenging one’s brain and capabilities, yet that they had additional time to work on their academic, and diversified social value (community service, studying or working abroad) over the next few years? 

What if I also told you our kids could then earn a degree from Stanford, Harvard; a college of their dream – for half price?

All of this is true. Your child can go to a community college while completing their general education units, then transfer after two years to any college they target. Breath, feel the resistance?

Read on.

Example: I was a straight A student in high school, went to a local junior college because I was paying my own tuition, I then transferred to a four year college. I joined the honor society while at the junior college, and my friend and President of the honor society transferred after 2 years to Stanford University. That’s right, Stanford! She received her degree from Stanford at half price.

Example: Most recently, my niece was a highly driven academic student, private high school, Saint Francis in Los Altos,  all the right tutors, all the right grades, all the right extra curricular activities- we were all surprised when she- like so many- were not accepted into UCLA (her dream college.)

She decided then to go to a community college in Santa Barbara for two years to complete her General Education, and then transfer. Guess what happened? She was accepted into UCLA and will be graduating next year with her prestigious degree! Did it matter that she took AP classes high school? No, Extra Curricular in high school? No. If you talked to her now, she could have lived without all that stress and anxiety in her life. In actuality, she had plenty of time to reinvent herself- if need be- during the community college years.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If your child is not stressed and instead challenged by the AP classes and really wants to go away to college or university for the entirety of the Bachelor’s degree program- go for it. This is a great option, too; and a wonderful goal to strive for. In fact, this is how I make my living, helping students understand their best fit major and help them position themselves for acceptance into college. This article, however, is not for the kids who ‘get in’ and who thrive on challenge. This is for the kids who are stressed, disappointed and suicidal.

Paradigm shift #2:

Popular belief: Our kids really need to be accepted to their #1 top pick University out of high school, in order to be successful.

True or false? False!

The reality is that our kids have more time than we think, and it could save your family a lot of money, stress and heartache in the long run, if they completed their general education at a community college first, then transferred- giving them more time to grow up, appreciate their education, figure out what they want to be when they grow up, study abroad, work in impressive community service capacities…, and impress the heck out of the ‘college of their dreams’- Two years later. It’s all about positioning.

Furthermore, the reality is that general education, is general education, regardless of where you go. English 1A, is English 1A, wherever you go. The most important years of ‘where we go to school’ will be during our degree concentration, our final two years when we’re working on our upper division units. So why are we stressing ourselves and our kids out superfluously?  I received some of the best education ever from Foothill Community College. My professors from Foothill had graduated from Oxford and Harvard, and were truly outstanding in their field. I remember struggling in high school Biology, only to take Biology from a highly enthusiastic and knowledgeable professor, Dr. Adler- who lived and breathed biology- and his enthusiasm and 30 years of passion for the field were infectious. I not only got an A in Biology at Foothill- because of him, I went on to be a Teacher’s Assistant in biology!

Photo: Arbron's photostream (Flickr)

I hope I have inspired a few of you to consider the alternatives. If your child is not accepted into the college of their dreams- it is NOT the end of the world, and we always have a choice to allow our kids more time to grow up and enjoy their education.

For questions or  more information: Contact Alice Rush, M.A., MCC, CareerU® Counseling Center Director, 916-349-7855, www.careeru.com

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Kim Fredrickson, MFT, Roseville, Ca

Kim Fredrickson is a marriage and family therapist in Roseville, California.  She specializes in helping parents connect with their children in meaningful ways, to promote a home that is more like a sanctuary as a basis for personal security.

“Cyberbullies act out their own anger, powerlessness and they pretend to be more powerful or aggressive in fantasy, than they are [off-line]…[believing they will not] get in trouble in real life,” Fredrickson said, “Most of the time the cyber bully has no idea how damaging, violating, and even scary his/her actions are. So it is healthy to set boundaries so you are not harmed by the actions of another…[especially] in cyber world.”’

Bullies are insecure people acting out. It takes a victim mentality to initiate or allow bullying. So this guidance is equally important for parents of bullies.

Being secure in one’s identity (i.e., my talents, values, beliefs and my role in the family and friend communities) is the crux of the matter when it comes to cyberbulling prevention and intervention. A child committing or experiencing cyberbullying is an opportunity for strengthening your role as the parent, to help your child to develop a stronger recognition of their identity and capacity for personal security.

What can a parent do?

Fredrickson’s tips for parents:

•  Even before any incidents, work on an emotionally close relationship with your kids. You want to be the safe haven they turn to when they are struggling or in trouble.
• If your child comes to you with an online concern, stay calm. Kids often won’t come to a parent if they think you will overreact. Don’t forget to do some deep breathing and slow yourself down.  Share the strength of your concern with another adult, so your child doesn’t feel they have to take care of you.
• Be supportive. Realize that this type of verbal abuse of words can be very damaging…don’t sweep it under the rug.
• Talk to your child/teen about how valuable they are, and how they deserve respect. Let them know you don’t believe the things that are being said, and teach them that they can set a boundary with those trying to harm them…whether it be with a real life encounter, texting, or online experience. In these situations they can feel powerless, but that isn’t true.
• Problem solve ways they can handle this themselves (block a phone #, or e-mail address, etc); ignore for a short time to see if the bully loses interest, etc.
• Pull in resources as needed. Let the school know so the school counselor/teacher can keep an eye out for in-school bullying and for how your child is handling things. If more help is needed, you may want to notify your child’s Doctor, counselor or clergy for support. Be there to give love and let them know you will help them walk through this. It helps so much for them to know they don’t have to handle this alone.
• Stop Cyber Bullying www.stopcyberbullying.org offers advice on what to do simple solutions don’t work.

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When to involve officials at school and law enforcement

First be honest about the real physical and emotional threat to your child. If you see that harm to your child escalates, then your actions need to escalate.

Taking care of family business at home

Prior to engaging authorities at school and community, contact the parents of the student (s) involved in the bullying. Even the bystanders’ parents may be engaged. Appeal to the good nature of people, and you may be pleasantly surprised.

It will be important to communicate to the parents of the bullies you want to give everyone an opportunity for a way out with dignity before it escalates to involve more people, cause more harm and require school and law enforcement authorities. Parents of bullies are more likely to be defensive if they perceive that their child will become the focus as the bad guy.

Remember, bullies are “victims too”. They justify their actions like a victim.

Searching for the high road for everyone is the best possible outcome to hope for — so the children can move on, corrected – with a better understanding of how secure, confident people handle issues, transgressions of others, personality conflicts, disappointments, and concerns.

The disconnect persists…

"Cyberbullying is vicious. Bullies and victims need help." -- Detective Steve Emert, Twin Rivers Police Department, Sacramento Couunty, Ca.

If the parents of the bullies and bystanders are not willing or able to form a united front to guide the children to the high road, and the bullying persists creating daily crisis living for your child, and the other remedies in your power (counseling, support, etc.) are not sufficient to quell the bullies’ efforts, then you need to involve the school and possibly law enforcement.

Or perhaps the cyberbully is anonymous and you have no way of dealing with the people behind it. Then you will need the help of school and law enforcement.

Detective Steve Emert, with the Twin Rivers Police Department in Sacramento, California is a cyberbullying expert. “Cyberbullying is vicious,” Emert said.

That feeling of anonymity, and no personal accountability for one’s actions can cause kids to loose any sense of decency, compassion or inhibition.

According to Emert, in his area the schools handle most of the cyberbullying, except when it escalates to threats of bodily harm or other safety concerns.

More on Cyberbullying intervention

Related:

Cyberbully hints for parents to set healthy boundaries

A Parents’ Guide to Cyber Citizenship

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Joanna Jullien jullien@surewest.net

Photo: Christy Benz

Joanna married her high school sweetheart and over the past 25 years they have raised two sons in Roseville, CA. She has a degree from UC Berkeley in Social Anthropology (corporate culture) and has over 20 years experience as a professional manager in information technology, manufacturing, energy and environment.

Joanna writes on parenting in the 21st century, as she has observed and personally experienced many strains on the parent-child relationship with the advent of the Internet, mobile phones and popular culture. 

Smart Money for Smart Schools

Barry Lessin is a  psychologist  specializing in adolescent addiction and ADHD.  Through his practice in Ft. Washington, PA, he has observed the challenges parents face in supporting teens in recovery from addiction. He offers insights for parents to take charge of family life and guide your teen into recovery.

Barry Lessin, M.Ed., CACD
Licensed Psychologist
Certified Addictions Counselor Diplomate

Mr. Lessin’s Topic: 

HOW DO I KNOW IF MY CHILD HAS A DRUG OR ALCOHOL PROBLEM? The answer is not the most important thing.

As an addictions specialist, I get lots of calls from worried parents. 

It’s usually a bad news/good news scenario. The bad news is that most of the parents calling are beyond the point of wanting to know if their child is getting high–they’ve known it for a while by the time they finally pick up the phone to call.

The good news is that, even though addiction is a progressive and chronic problem without a commitment by the addict to maintaining a sober lifestyle, it can be a very treatable problem, especially with early intervention. And that initial call inquiring about a problem is a very important and necessary step in the process of getting help.

I use the word “process” because people come for help for a substance abuse problem with varying levels of motivation and ambivalence. Most people I see initially are being prodded or coerced to attend treatment: by a parent, spouse/partner, friend, doctor, or a lawyer.

Even parents, who are usually feeling terrified and often desperate when they are calling about their troubled teenager or young adult, have some level of ambivalence about seeking help. They’re scared, or guilty, or embarrassed or usually a combination of these or other uncomfortable feelings.  They’ve probably put off for a long time making that first call. The process of reaching out for help mirrors the process of addiction recovery itself: it’s not a straight line but a series of steps: two forward, one backward, up and down, ebbing and flowing.

The importance of that initial call by a parent is not based so much on the content of the discussion–the specific information shared–but the fact that the first call represents two crucial factors that need to occur in the early recovery process to increase the likelihood of a successful parental intervention: the willingness to educate yourself about addiction and recovery; and taking steps to reclaim control of your parenthood.

 Education

Photo: Melissa Bowman Photography(Flickr)

Accurate information is a front-line weapon in the battle against the disease of addiction. Addiction is a complex interaction of biological, psychological and interpersonal (social, family, peer relationships) factors. The more information you arm yourself with–for example, what addiction is, about the specific substances of abuse, types of addictions, the nature and process of addiction and recovery–the better position you’ll be in to figure out the action steps to take to feel more control of your child and his/her problem.

Photo: Boris van Hoytema (Flickr)

Reclaim Control of Parenthood

I like to view that first call for help as the first step by a parent to get back in the driver’s seat of the family and reclaim control of parenthood.

An important shift in family functioning occurs when a family member is struggling with addiction. The addict is an expert at deflecting responsibility away from herself. Family members, out of love and concern, will be often willing to accept some (or a lot!) of the responsibility and even blame for the addict’s inability to take care of herself.  So in addition to giving parents some specific information during that call, I’ll have them start the process of figuring out how they can begin to focus on which aspects of the problems associated with the addict’s behavior that they can control, or actually do something about.

This is the first step in the parent’s own recovery.

Taking steps towards reclaiming your parenthood will begin the process of shifting the family functioning towards a healthier state and reduce the fear and helplessness for parents.

Despite ambivalence about meeting with me, almost all my clients, whether parents or the kids themselves, will want to know very early on (usually in the first session) if their kid’s use or their use of a substance is really a problem.

 Determining whether someone has an addiction generally requires a thorough evaluation, but I’ll often use a tool in the first session that will quickly give the parent and child some measuring sticks to help begin to explore their use in more detail. It’s really a quick screening tool, but it almost always opens the door for opportunity to explore their behavior in more detail.

They’re easy to remember, because they all begin with the letter “C”:

 1) Control

People without an abuse problem always have control over the amount they drink or use; if they say they’re going to have 2 drinks, that’s all they ever have.

Photo: skippyjon(Flickr)

People with a problem will often go over a self-imposed limit, often with consequences (see #2 below). This is often a “Russian-roulette” pattern; you can stay under a limit for many months, and then “boom”, you go over (and you’re not happy about it).

 2) Consequences

People without an abuse problem rarely will experience negative consequences. If they do, they will make an adjustment in their behavior or lifestyle and the consequence won’t occur again.

People with an abuse problem, when experiencing a negative consequence, will often make an adjustment, which is short-lived. In fact their attempts to make adjustments often fail, and consequences continue and often get worse. Consequences can be related to:

• Physical health
• Legal situations
• Emotional well-being (feelings of guilt, remorse, lowered self-esteem, depression)
• Anger management
• Family conflicts
• Interpersonal conflicts
• Job performance

 3) Compulsivity

Compulsivity refers to behaviors that are repetitive and feel driven to be performed. The behaviors are disruptive to a person’s productivity or well-being.

People without an abuse problem, when thinking about drinking or getting high, can take it or leave it. Their daily lives move forward without much thought about whether getting high is in the picture.

People with an abuse problem spend a lot of time thinking about and planning activities where they can drink or get high. Many of their life activities are focused on whether getting high will occur. And if there is beer or wine in the house, it will be hard to let it sit there unused.

Photo: D Sharon Pruitt (Flickr)

The “Three C’s” is not just a handy screening tool. Yes, it’s a great way for both parents and kids to begin to explore some of the specific issues related to substance abuse behavior and to help them make their own mind up about the issue.          

The discussion and answers also becomes part of the process of education and early recovery for the parents.

Parents own recovery can start independent of their child, and it often does at the very first call for help.

My Practice News: ADHD Expert Roundtable Discussion
Website: www.barrylessin.com
Blog: Parents of Addicts Resource Center (PARC) 

FBI Executive Assistant Director Shawn Henry, with Attorney General Eric Holder (right) and Chief Postal Inspector Guy Cottrell, talks about "Broken Trust." Photo: courtesy

In the network culture, trust is fast becoming a “currency” as the sting of harassment, fraud and deception impact lives in profound ways. The typical headlines are cyberbullying and pedophile seduction of children.

And then there are bad actors after your money, as illustrated by the FBI news yesterday about Operation Broken Trust.

The FBI Financial Fraud Enforcement Task Force announced the largest investment fraud sweep in the United States concluded with 231 cases involving over 1,200 victims totaling $8 billion from actions taken August 16 through December 1, 2010.

Operation Broken Trust involved both criminal and civil law enforcement to focus on scams perpetrated by trusted members of their victims’ communities.

In the cyber-powered world we can become conditioned to treat a “connection” as trustworthy because of their affiliation with others in our personal networks. Trust without verification can lead to devastation.

Operation Broken Trust focused on criminals who leveraged personal networks, including church groups, to recruit victims into giving them money with the promise of big payoffs.

According to a press release by the U.S. Attorney Eastern District of California, Benjamin B. Wagner, based in Sacramento, one Ponzi scheme case was perpetrated by Barry Winnett and a co-schemer in Roseville who solicited 22 people to invest their retirement accounts amounting to $2,975,352.

Another case from this same office, Jesse Alvin Cripps Sr., 57, previously of Visalia, was indicted on 27 counts of mail fraud and three counts of money laundering – whose victims he recruited from contacts at church.

Lauren Horwood, spokesperson for the U.S. Attorney’s office in Sacramento, indicated that the first level of investors recruited for these scams received the return promised and then they referred their friends believing it was a genuine investment opportunity.

 “The sad thing is that the first people recruited into the scam are probably trustworthy friends who don’t realize the people they refer will be making payments to previous investors and risk losing their money,” said Horwood.

Marie Hall, Executive Director BeMoneySmartUSA

Marie Hall is the Executive Director of BeMoneySmartUSA, a financial literacy non-profit in Carmichael.

Other tips from BeMoneySmartUSA

• You don’t get something for nothing, and we practice a very simple rule, never buy anything from anyone over the phone, or from your door step. 
•  If you really think you want to make an investment, sleep on it, talk about it with other professionals (get a second opinion) and do the research.    
• Use the services of a good attorney to review the legal documents and research the background through criminal research tools/companies on the company and the people you are planning to do business with. 
• Don’t accept the paperwork they give you as legitimate until you have done your own research outside of them.  Spending a few hundred dollars to have an attorney watch your back is an investment that can save your bacon!

Resources:

BeMoneySmartUSA

Report financial fraud here: Web site of the Financial Fraud Enforcement Task Force

For tips on investment fraud prevention go to Operation Broken Trust

Related Reading:

On or off-line trust among ‘friends’ must be verifiable

Free workshops teach teens how to make money work for them

(Ref:394-BMB)

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Photo: Christy Benz

Joanna Jullien jullien@surewest.net

Joanna married her high school sweetheart and over the past 25 years they have raised two sons in Roseville, CA. She has a degree from UC Berkeley in Social Anthropology (corporate culture) and has over 20 years experience as a professional manager in information technology, manufacturing, energy and environment.

Joanna writes on parenting in the 21st century, as she has observed and personally experienced many strains on the parent-child relationship with the advent of the Internet, mobile phones and popular culture. 

Smart Money for Smart Schools

"Many law enforcement agencies now say that DWT (Driving While Texting) is the new DUI.” - Erik Wood, CEO of Otter App

Recent statistics released by the Center for Disease Control bring encouraging news that there has been a decline in the fatality rate of teens aged 17-18 in automobile accidents from 2004-2008.

This report also indicates that the decline in teen fatalities is more than likely a factor of economic pressure to conserve spending, and so teens are not driving as much and/or are delaying obtaining their driver’s licenses.

Other reasons credited for the decline in fatalities is graduated license programs (provisional licenses) and parental involvement.

Experts caution parents to be ever vigilant nevertheless because the battle to save young lives is far from over.

Officer Adrian Quintero of the California Highway Patrol, South Valley Division in Sacramento, believes that the education and awareness programs being promoted by the CHP and other organizations like Impact Teen Drivers of Sacramento make a difference.

“As we get the word out through various organizations including insurance companies, more awareness and parental involvement does make a difference.  We strive for zero loss of life – there is still much more to do,” Quintero said.

Wayne Adkins is the owner of Stop ‘N Go Driving ‘N Traffic School in Roseville.

"Parents need to understand with driving that more education is necessary to prevent fatal accidents from happening,” - Wayne Adkins, Owner Stop 'N Go Driving 'N Traffic School

“I believe the decline of teen fatalities is a result of tough economic times, from the  media exposure to this epidemic as well as additional programs such as Start Smart and Impact Teen Drivers. Parents need to understand with driving that more education is necessary to prevent fatal accidents from happening,” Adkins said.

Reinforcing this concern, yesterday the American Automobile Association released a warning that texting while driving is as dangerous as driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

***

One parent of two small children, Erik Woods in Seattle, Washington, developed a text life management application  called Otter, so folks can be safe on the road and also concentrate on other personal business such as homework and family time.

“Parents can’t relax after reading this CDC report,” Woods said, “We need to keep hammering away about the social and safety issues that revolve around distracted driving.  My concern here is that in order for the same positive report to be generated in 2012, we need to address texting while driving with the same tenacity that we have with other causes of teen accidents.  Many law enforcement agencies now say that DWT (Driving While Texting) is the new DUI.”

Erik Wood, inventor of Otter, with his daughter Eve. Otter text application helps you to take charge of your texting life.

Woods and his wife, Corina, experienced first hand how dangerous texting while driving can be. They emptied their children’s college fund to develop the Otter App after their three-year old daughter Eve was nearly killed by a grown woman texting in October of 2009.

Check out the demo on YouTube: It’s a tool, not a shackle.

Woods developed Otter with the idea that self-governing citizens who have the tools to manage their texting life will less likely to lead a distracted life – which is dangerous, especially while driving.

The Woods’ made the application affordable and simple: $3.99 for a one time fee to download.

 Related reading:

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Joanna Jullien jullien@surewest.net

Photo: Christy Benz

Joanna married her high school sweetheart and over the past 25 years they have raised two sons in Roseville, CA. She has a degree from UC Berkeley in Social Anthropology (corporate culture) and has over 20 years experience as a professional manager in information technology, manufacturing, energy and environment.

Joanna writes on parenting in the 21st century, as she has observed and personally experienced many strains on the parent-child relationship with the advent of the Internet, mobile phones and popular culture.

Smart Money for Smart Schools