Tips to replace yelling with improved communication at home

Friday, May 10th, 2013

Parents Who Rock Monthly Meet Up

This group is for dedicated, loving parents who are looking for someone to turn to for support, information, and resources for today’s parenting challenges. Are you parenting as your parents did? Exactly the opposite? Are you pretty sure that help beyond the on-the-job training that we all experience would help bring peace to your family? Join two local parenting experts, Peggy Harper Lee and Joanna Jullien, who have ideas, tips, tactics, and help, whether you would like your 3 year old to go to bed without a fight, your 13 year old to get off her cell phone, or your 23 year old to get off the couch and get a job.

Join the Meet Up Group: Meets the 2nd Thursday of the month: Mimi’s Café in Roseville, 6:30pm

Peggy Lee
Photo: Courtesy

May 2013 Parents Who Rock Meet Up Topic: Yelling
Featured speaker: Peggy Lee

Peggy Harper Lee is a Rocklin mom and author of Spoiled: Fresh Ideas For Parenting Your Entitled Child — At Any Age, who discovered in her financial planning business that parents’ issues with money had more to do with parenting.  The modern parenting culture had evolved to a point where parents have a tendency to assume responsibility for our children’s lives, and consequently children learn to expect to be provided for what they desire – they do not feel responsible.

And yelling can be one of the symptoms of assuming too much responsibility for the conduct of your child. It is a state of both parent and child being out of control.

According to Lee, the purpose of communication is so we can be seen, heard, loved and valued. Yelling, as a strategy, conveys the opposite. It doesn’t serve any real purpose and it does not signal that you treasure or respect your children either.

“Yelling is a topic that just about all of us has had to deal with in one way or another,” Lee said. “When I was growing up, my mother yelled. And it terrified me. I couldn’t understand a thing she was saying, except feeling her rage. And I can remember making a decision that yelling was not an effective way to communicate.”

Lee offers some tips to stop yelling and enhance your communication at home, which will also bring peace.

1. Think about it. Why do you yell? What is your history with it? How did you feel when your parents or other authority figures yelled at you? How did it make you feel?

2.  Make a conscious choice not to yell. It really is a decision.

3. Choose a technique to calm you down when you are feeling the impulse to yell. Counting to ten is one such technique. If you count, do it playfully…think good thoughts so that you are able to calm down and marshal your thoughts to express to your child that is pushing your buttons. Then approach your child with your reaction or instruction.

4. Whisper, or lower your voice.

5. Take “don’t” out of your vocabulary. The limbic portion of our brains do not have an image for “no” or “don’t.” Whatever you don’t want to happen, is what registers with the brain and it will keep happening.

6.Respect among siblings. If your children are raising voices to one another, separate them and say “work it out nicely”. Give them as many time outs with the expectation that they can work it out. Do not referee their issues because it sends the signal that you do not have confidence they can work it out. They most certainly can, if given the chance. So separate them as many times as it takes, with a patient resolve that they are expected to work it out.

7. Stop nagging. Yes, stop it. Nagging leads to yelling and it says to your child “I am responsible for your life, not you.” If  your child is not getting out of bed on time, let her be late for school, or leave without his homework. Better your child experience the consequences of their own behavior early. It is empowerment for them. The signal you give your children when you choose not to nag is that, again, you have confidence in their ability to take care of their business.

The benefits of choosing communicate without raising your voice, is a more peaceful household wherein every individual is accountable for their own conduct and business. There is less stress.

“Anybody can be a non-yeller,” Lee said.

And there can be a greater measure of peace.

***

Upcoming Parents Who Rock Meet Up topics:

 Join the Parents Who Rock Meet Up Group for notifications

Parents Who Rock Meet Up: June 13, 2013

Topic: What it means to be a parent in a cyber powered world

Joanna talks about how parents can trump the pressures of technology trends and popular culture to strengthen the authoritative bond with their child, especially teenagers.

Mimi’s Café in Roseville, 6:30pm ($10 for you and a friend)

Parents Who Rock Meet Up: July 11, 2013

Topic: Communication styles – Guest Speaker Julie Anderson

Mimi’s Café in Roseville, 6:30pm ($10 for you and a friend)

(BMB-848)

Joanna Jullien
“‘Banana Moments’ is the term I use to describe all the curve balls and surprises of parenting in the network. Some are humorous and light hearted others are gut wrenching. There has never been a more rewarding time to be a parent. Photo: Christi Benz

Joanna Jullien is an author, educator and speaker on strengthening the parent-child relationship in a cyber powered world. She is the author of The Authority In Me: The Power of Family Life in the Network Culture, produces The Sacramento Cyber Safety Examiner column on Examiner.com, a contributor for Three Moms and a Mike, and is the CyberParenting advisor on The Fish 103.9FM, Tuesdays.

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Sacramento Cyber Safety Examiner

 

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About Joanna Jullien

Joanna Jullien

Joanna (jullien@surewest.net) and her husband have raised two sons in Roseville, CA. She has a degree from U.C. Berkeley in Social Anthropology (corporate culture). Her honors thesis was awarded the Kroeber Prize and funding from National Science Foundation grant. Joanna writes to help parents with the modern-day leadership challenges of raising children. She is a contributing writer for The Granite Bay View, the Press Tribune, the Sacramento Examiner, and editor of Banana Moments.

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